


Seriously, universe? Love, Alex.

by charstar782



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Kalex, Slow Burn, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-09-08 12:38:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8845423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charstar782/pseuds/charstar782
Summary: Alex finally feels like she has a hold on this whole gay thing...until something else about her(?)self completely throws things off course. And...what on earth is going on with Kara?





	1. The T in LGBT

**Author's Note:**

> fic totally inspired by the above, go read that fic y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> and please, let me know what you think of this! short to kick it off, but so many plans...Oop also meant to say, pronouns are she/her for Alex until a little way in when the character more actively realizes and "comes out"
> 
> rating for later chapters

Today had been a rough one.

 

Her shirt had been too tight, her pants weren’t hugging her hips right, and god damn it why wouldn’t her hair just DO IT’S THING. Come on hair, get it together.

 

All in all, rough day.

 

“Alex, date night tomorrow? See you then!” Kara was off in a blur of red and blue, but not without a quick kiss to Alex’s cheek as she sped back to an emergency at Catco after their latest DEO escapade. 

 

“Sure yeah!...bye,” Alex called out, trying not to touch (and failing) the spot on her cheek where Kara’s lips had grazed her skin.

 

And then there was that.  Allllll that.

 

When Alex had woken up that fateful day not long ago and realized, hell yeah, girls man...she was into them...she’d had some clarity.  She was SO into them that when she stepped out her door to head to work that first day, the first girl she saw almost caused her to faceplant on the sidewalk purely because she was Alex and Alex liked girls and she was allowed to actually use her eyes and  _ check that girl out?! _  Alex who hadn’t liked girls had NEVER been able to do such a thing.

 

So, a gay disaster, but one with some more actual future seeing/life living potential than a straight disaster?  Check.

 

That being said, when she’d rolled up to the DEO and the first person she’d spotted was the one and only Kara Danvers,  _ her _ Kara Danvers, her Kara Danvers in all her Supergirl glory whose face broke out in it’s only-for-Alex-smile, had she maybe lost her shit for a minute because oh my god Kara was a girl and Alex could like girls now and oh no nononono….?

 

Absolutely.  And so...a gay disaster with more future seeing/life potential but with additional running to the bathroom to escape feelings potential?  Ah yes.  Check, checkmate.

 

After having all of these revelations,  _ plus _ an adorable Maggie Sawyer interrupt her life for several weeks in a row now, Alex honestly had thought she was very overdue for just a moment  - just a moment! - to adjust to all these big life changes.  Wasn’t she? Cosmic pause and what not? 

 

Alas, Alex Danvers was indeed extraordinary (as her own mother had pointed out) because a normal (and really, she should’ve known, nothing was ever going to be *normal* again) Tuesday night in the middle of the fifth week of all this ridiculousness suddenly turned into a “why has Alex Danvers casually looking at all this shit on the internet about the gay suddenly turned into Alex Danvers aggressively trying to find every piece of information the internet has to offer on “what-does-the-T-in-LGBT-stand-for??” Tuesday, instead.

 

Day six of this internet searching - and the start of week seven of the most confusing weeks of her entire freaking life - had prompted yet another sleepless night followed by a Monday morning of pulling at all of her clothes/limbs/hair to make them into something she wanted them to be so she wouldn’t be...that.  

 

That...that actually felt like it might be too much, after everything else.

 

If only Kara hadn’t just swept in and out with lingering kisses; if only Maggie, who now called Alex her  _ girl _ friend, wasn’t now strutting into the DEO and grinning at widely at her; if only Maggie hadn’t placed a hand casually on said girlfriend’s hip before heading off to find Hank...that same hip which, in the last six days, had suddenly started to itch it’s way off of Alex’s body...

 

If only...but what was a rough day without everything colliding together at once, anyway?

  
  



	2. The B in LGBT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Alex hang out at Alex's and everything is completely boring and normal...LOL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bum bum bum...here we go. More dialogue/funny things next chapter, sorry this has a lot of exposition for some reason D:

To ruin or not to ruin movie night...that was the question.  

 

Alex knew her head wasn’t in the game.  All week she’d been distracted, running on almost no sleep and all she wanted was to crawl into bed and stay there forever.

 

On the other hand, the chance of missing out on a night with Kara was out of the question.  Therefore, Alex had to decide if she could pull it together and act like everything was super awesome (as it should be) or if she was would relent and be a inexplicably whiny ball that Kara would have to take care of.  The occasion for that was rare, but when it rose Kara was always on top of her game - ordering the food, getting the food, stroking Alex’s hair, tucking her in, making her breakfast the next day when she inevitably stayed over incase Alex needed anything in the night.

 

Nights like those were sometimes the only thing that kept Alex going.  

 

It was SO tempting...but it also meant that Kara would _probably_ ask Alex what was wrong, and Alex might break and try and confess everything going on inside her head.  Sometimes, that was a good thing.  Right now though...Alex wanted (needed) to keep this one thing to herself. 

 

Which, she was discovering, was harder than she’d thought. For a long time now, Alex had always told Kara everything.

 

This certainly wasn’t how it had been in the beginning; when Kara first arrived in Alex’s life, the last thing Alex had wanted was to confide in Kara about anything - let alone something life changingly personal.  After a few months of arguments, adjusting, and overall teenage angst, however, the two of them had become pretty much inseparable - as well as each other’s main confidantes.  Although it had been Kara who confided in Alex first, it wasn’t long before Kara’s sunny exterior had shown through her fear of a new world and Alex had been powerless against being warmed by it.

 

As much as Alex loved how close she and Kara had become, very occasionally she wished they didn’t know each other quite as well as they did.  It always made it ten times harder to keep secrets a secret when one of them wanted to. She was abruptly reminded of this within the first few minutes of their traditional Friday movie night.

 

...And also, sometimes she wished that Kara didn’t have superpowers. That _might_ have been the biggest barrier to the secret keeping, after all.

 

“Alex? What’s up?” Kara looked over, concern written all over her face.  She was lounging against the arm of Alex’s couch, her back against a pillow and her feet up on Alex’s lap.  Her hair was down and flowing, light curls resting around her shoulders as she scrolled through the channels Alex wasn’t sure why she paid to have when she was so rarely home.

 

She looked comfortable. She looked happy.  She...looked beautiful.  Like she always did to Alex.

 

And now Alex’s nerves were ruining it.

 

Alex groaned internally.  She was used to her feelings for Kara by now - it wasn’t hard to use her practiced skills at hiding that, or to write it off as something else if she was having a particularly rough day with it.  Even when she hadn’t fully come to terms with her feelings as actual  _ feelings,  _ she still knew what they felt like and how to shrug them off as best she could. It was this whole other thing, now, this thing she couldn’t stop thinking about since she’d heard the word, that was making her heart race and palms sweat uncontrollably.  Predictably, Kara had DEFINITELY picked up on both of those things.

 

God damn it Alex.

 

“Nothing, why?” Alex attempted to stretch her arms out nonchalantly before resting them on either side of her on the back of the couch.  Smooth.  Definitely something you do alllll the time Danvers.

 

Kara narrowed her eyes.  She looked like an accusatory puppy.

 

“You know I can literally hear and feel your heartbeat from here, right?” Kara replied, cocking an eyebrow and crossing her arms simultaneously.  The remote slipped off the edge of the couch where she had dropped it, and Alex followed it with her eyes to avoid making eye contact with Kara.

 

“Yeah, jerk, stay out of my vital signs, okay?” she muttered jokingly, still refusing to look at Kara.  What was there even to talk about? She didn’t even completely know what was going on yet.  Sh...she just felt like something, possibly, was.

 

Kara sighed and dropped her eyes from where they’d been eagerly searching out Alex’s.  She picked the remote back up, her shirt riding up ever so slightly and causing Alex’s breath to catch - then immediately went back to looking around the room when Kara jerked back to look at her at the sudden noise - before Kara scooted down a little bit farther into the couch cushions.

 

“Okay,” Kara said quietly. She played with her fingers as the silence seemed to stretch out, getting louder and louder as it filled the room and Alex stalled for time.  Finally, when she couldn’t stand it anymore, she reached out and stilled Kara’s hands with her own.

 

“I...I’m just thinking about a lot,” Alex relinquished, not letting go of Kara’s hands.  Kara seemed slightly put at ease by the familiar physical contact and paused for only a moment more before taking Alex’s hand with one of her own.

 

“Okay.  You know I love you, no matter what?” Kara said, still quietly but more confidently this time.  “I know...all this is hard. And really confusing, and that it was really hard to tell me about...liking girls.  Trust me, after thinking about it a lot...I understand way more than I did before.”

 

Alex finally looked at Kara at that, head cocking to the side in confusion.  Wait, what now?

 

“Yeah...I mean, it’s okay, that it didn’t make a lot of sense at first,” Alex laughed, half to herself and half to Kara. “It didn’t make that much sense to me, either.”

 

Kara’s laugh didn’t sound as light as it did normally, nor was it as full.  “That’s okay. It’s a lot.  I-I mean, I’m sure it’s a lot.”

 

Alex paused, trying to read between the lines but not turn the words into something they didn’t mean - even though she desperately wanted them to mean what she thought.

 

“Kara?” Alex jiggled Kara’s feet on her lap with her knees for a moment until Kara looked up again, biting her lip as she held Alex’s gaze.  “You know...you can always tell me anything too, right?”

 

Kara didn’t answer, only looked away for a moment somewhere behind Alex’s head before looking back again.  She nodded.  “Yes. I know.”

 

“I mean,” Alex started, mouth going dry. “I’d been thinking. Do you...are you straight?”

 

Kara looked like she couldn’t quite believe the words had actually crossed Alex’s lips. Alex immediately wished she could take them back when Kara almost flinched and then asked, “Was that what you’re upset about?”

 

“What?! Oh my god, no, of course not, I’m so sorry,” Alex rushed out, trying to ignore the blush that was only beginning to overtake her face.  “I don’t even know why...I just, I’ve been reading all this stuff, about not assuming things about people, and I just didn’t want to do that to you...assume they're straight or...whatever, and I mean you’re my...you’re Kara, and that would be - not that I want you to be...not that I DON’T... I just thought maybe...I don’t know, I’m sorry.”  Alex was already getting off the couch in an effort to give Kara space from the temporary insanity that had just overtaken her when suddenly she felt herself being pulled her back down again. The cushions made a  _ wumpf _ noise as her body hit them while Kara gently sat back down next to her, hand on her arm.

 

“Alex,” Kara laughed, nervously adjusting her glasses.  “It’s fine. As long as that’s really not what was upsetting you…” Alex vehemently shook her head, trying to keep her composure.  “Then it’s okay. And...I don’t know. No? I don’t think so.”

 

Replay.

 

“No? Wait you don’t know? Wait what are we talking about?” Alex couldn’t make any thoughts flow together at this point.

 

Kara smiled, her face red, and reached to fiddle with her glasses again before stopping herself, taking them off and putting her hands back in her lap.  

 

“I don’t think...I’m straight,” Kara murmured.  

 

She was going to have to give Alex some of that superhearing if this whispering important knowledge shit was going to be a new thing, because oh my god was it important that Alex made sure she had heard correctly.

 

“You...you don’t?” Alex’s voice had taken on a much higher pitched, slightly hysterical tone at this point, which honestly was about the last thing she needed right now.  Well, at least no one would guess anything she wasn’t ready to share based off of how she used her voice... 

 

“No?” Kara shrugged, then giggled at the absurdity of the moment.  Alex managed to get out a chuckle of her own before suddenly Kara was full blown giggling and Alex couldn’t stop herself from joining in.

 

This, this she could do.  Even if it was the last direction that Alex had thought tonight would go, she could handle it.

 

And god, suddenly, after all these years...Alex might actually have a chance with the one person she’d always been in love with, if Kara wasn’t straight.  But, wait...

 

As Kara’s giggles dissolved into quiet laughter before leaning into Alex’s side when Alex wrapped her arms around her, Alex’s own laugh caught in her throat.

 

Did she really, though?  What if...what if being this thing, now, suddenly made her unlovable all over again? Did Kara  _only_ like girls?? Because then...

 

Also...there was still Maggie.

 

There was no way Alex was going to be able to keep this all inside of her brain anymore.  Fuck. It was time to talk to Winn.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. The T in LGBT: plus a Winn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woop here's another
> 
> everyone just has lots of feelings, Winn and Alex BROTP forever <3

After she started thinking about it, all Alex could see were people everywhere that she hadn’t looked twice at before.

 

If...she really thought about it, it was almost as if she’d avoided seeing them altogether in the past.

 

Instead of the euphoria of checking out girls only a few mere weeks ago, now when Alex stepped outside for work she saw a young, mid twenties person with an undercut, wearing distinctly masculine clothing and having no clear swell of a chest...but not a noticeably flat chest, either.

 

Alex stared for a half second too long - the person made eye contact - before tearing her eyes away to the ground.  Her face felt hot and flushed.  

 

Maybe she was just attracted to people she’d never thought about before…?

 

Certainly possible, but that wasn’t what this particular feeling was.  It wasn’t a longing or a want, like it had been with Maggie, or...someone else.  This was a desire to wear what they were wearing, walk how they walked, be seen the way they were seen...to fit a mold that Alex, in her close cut blazers, femme leather jackets and fitted tops simply did not fit.

 

Her jeans were always feeling too tight now.  They weren’t too small; if anything, in the last few weeks she had lost a tiny bit of weight from being stressed the fuck out.  They hugged her frame in a way she had never realized she didn’t like - and maybe it wasn’t that she didn’t like it, but she liked the thought of other, looser clothes a lot better. 

 

Now she just had to get the guts up to try and figure out exactly what that something else was.

 

“Uggggggh,” Alex moaned, facedown on her desk in her lab when Winn walked in.

 

“I got your S.O.S.?” he asked hesitantly while holding up his phone, seemingly unsure if he was really supposed to be there.

 

“Yes,” Alex mumbled, face still down.  She gestured to her right nonspecifically.  “Sit.”

 

Winn eased himself into a chair before setting the phone down and leaning back.  “Help you, I can.”

 

Alex groaned again. “Winn, no. No Star Wars, please.”

 

Winn frowned, looking put out.  “Fine. Only because I’m scared you’ll try and break me if I keep it up.”

 

Alex picked her head up at that and nodded seriously.  “Wise. Very wise.”  As she sat back in her own chair, she couldn’t help but notice all the differences between the two of them. Simply how she sat in the chair, how she crossed her legs, held her arms, spoke to Winn was so different from how he spoke, sat, walked.

Why did it matter now? She’d been happy for almost thirty years this way, why was Winn’s button down and tie, the way he walked without really moving his hips and how he held himself suddenly so much more appealing than Alex’s clothes and how she imagined she walked and moved.

 

The same way being “straight” had kept her happy for thirty years.

 

It didn’t, really.

 

Alex squeezed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the tears that suddenly filled her eyes, hot behind the lids.  Fuck everything.

 

“Dude, what’s going on?” Winn seemed genuinely concerned now, seeing Alex’s scrunched up face and observing her try and swipe her hand across her face casually before sniffing once and composing herself.

 

“I have no idea,” she replied, reveling in the way Winn always called her “dude” or the occasional “bro” when Alex was in a particularly good mood and he didn’t fear for his life. She secretly loved it. At first it had made her feel uncomfortable, like it made her stand out from all the other women in his life. He would never call Kara, or Lucy, or...any woman “bro” or “man.” 

 

That didn’t mean she liked how gendered language could be. It didn’t stop her from realizing she did like certain words in reference to her anyway, though.

 

Her world was gendered. She was supposed to be a perfect daughter, sister, scientist, agent. So many of those things were gendered, even if they didn’t need to be. Even just being a scientist, or a secret agent – she was a  _ female _ scientist and a  _ female  _ agent. She was breaking barriers, being a woman in both of those fields, at least according to everyone else.

 

It wasn’t that Alex didn’t understand, logically, that she was. She thought the women she worked with, like Lucy and Vasquez and fuck,  _ Kara,  _ were amazing for being the smart, strong, independent women they were.

 

She just didn’t feel it about herself. It was a label and a commentary that never felt like it fit her.

 

“Winn,” Alex sat up abruptly, pushing herself up and trying to thrust the words out of her. “I…have something to tell you.”

 

“O-okay,” Winn answered hesitantly. His face softened as the fear on Alex’s face became more apparent.  “Hey. Anything. We’re – we’re friends now, right?”

 

Those damn tears in her eyes again.

 

“Yeah, we are,” Alex let herself smile ever so slightly at the comment. She and Winn had very clearly become better friends over the past few weeks after Alex had come out. They’d been on their way there anyway, but something about Alex fumbling through the whole liking girls thing had brought the two of them even closer together. “Okay. I don’t…even know where to start.”

 

Winn leaned back from where he’d sat forward to comfort Alex and shrugged. “Anywhere.”

 

Alex thought about that for a moment, then said the first thing that came to mind. “Do you know anything about trans people?”

 

If Winn was surprised, he didn’t show it. “Mmm…not really, to be honest. I mean I know about, like, Caitlyn Jenner? But that’s sort of it.”

 

“Okay,” Alex nodded to herself, again trying to coax the words out. “Okay. So…what if you knew one.”

 

Winn frowned, his forehead crinkling. “If I did?”

 

“Yeah. How would you…what would you think.”

 

He tipped his head to the side, really thinking about it. “Well, I would try and learn more? I should anyway, actually. And I would think they were cool. As long as they were actually cool…you know. Obvi would have to love superheroes.”

 

Alex let out a noise between a sputter and a laugh, then looked up at Winn again. “Okay. So. I think…maybe. You might know me.”

 

Winn squinted really hard at Alex for a minute and she honestly couldn’t tell if he was trying to literally _ see _ the trans in her for a minute, before his face smoothed out and he eyes got wider and wider. 

 

“Oh. Shit.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I…do…so,” Winn licked his lips quickly before sitting up straighter again and trying to form more words. “But…you’re gay? Is this a gay thing?”

 

Alex laughed a slightly less watery laugh as she shook her head. She. She was going to have to think about how to fix that soon.

 

“No, it’s not,” she answered, continuing to shake her head. “It almost feels like the opposite. I don’t know. I…still like girls. A lot. I just don’t…feel like one. A girl. Anymore.”

 

“But this is new?” Winn asked.

 

“No? Yes? I don’t know,” Alex shrugged. Her heart was slowing down and she wiped her sweaty hands on her pants. “I don’t…I didn’t used to feel like this. But I didn’t know what this felt like, I guess? I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know I  _ could _ be anything but Alex Danvers, a….girl.”

 

Winn nodded, and she would be forever thankful for his calmness, for maintaining some sense of normality in her life when everything else felt like it was out of control.

 

“That makes a lot of sense,” he responded. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say more, but wasn’t sure if he should.

 

“It’s fine…if you have other questions,” Alex wanted him to continue if he did. It was easier to answer things than to try and come up with the words on their own.

 

“Have you talked to Kara?” was his next question, which was just about the only one Alex didn’t want him to ask. Of course he would, though. He knew just as well as she did how close they were.

 

If only he knew about their conversation the night before.

 

“No. Have you…?” Alex asked, then realized that if Kara hadn’t said anything to him he would be more confused than ever.

 

“About…this? How would I?” he asked, for the first time seeming genuinely perplexed.

 

“No, no, sorry, just…never mind,” Alex tried to brush it off and move on as quickly as possible. “No. I haven’t said anything to her. I didn’t know how. Or what to say. I don’t know if I’m…I want to know what to say first.”

 

“You know she’ll always love you, right?” Winn responded, picking up his phone and spinning it around seemingly just for something else to do.  “To her, you’re just about the best thing since…well. I would say sliced bread, but I don’t know Krypton’s bread situation, and even if they had it, maybe it wasn’t sliced, so sliced bread actually would be pretty cool if you’d never seen it before, and –“

 

“Winn!” Alex held up a hand but laughed anyway. She let her hand fall as he sheepishly made a zipper motion across his mouth, then shoved both of them between her knees, grounding herself. “Thank you.”

 

“Of course,” Winn almost scoffed. “Always. Anytime.”

 

Alex opened her mouth to ask if he could talk more later, but at that exact moment Kara burst through the door in full superhero garb.

 

“Hey! You guys are here already!” Kara stepped into the room, her cape billowing slightly out behind her as she nervously moved to stand against a bench, staying fairly far away from both Winn and Alex. She bit her lip, eyes making eye contact with Alex briefly before looking away again.

 

Kara hadn’t really wanted to talk about it anymore the night before about what Alex had asked, so they watched a movie and talked about anything and everything else until late into the night. Alex had stayed over, as always, and Kara had hesitated before scooting back into Alex like she always did for sleep. Alex had nudged Kara into herself, and only then did Kara relax into her arms.

 

Alex had thought it was just a moment, perhaps related to earlier but perhaps not, but seeing Kara act the way she was now made Alex wonder if Kara wasn’t quite as okay with their conversation last night as Alex had thought.

 

Mental note to check in about that.

 

“Alex?” Kara’s voice cut into her thoughts. Alex looked up to see Winn and Kara both staring at her. She’d clearly missed something. “I said Maggie’s here. She wants to see you.”

 

There was another moment of… _ something _ , that crossed Kara’s features when she said Maggie. 

 

Alex wanted to focus on it, to run it over in her head, but there was no time as the door opened again and Maggie Sawyer waltzed in.

 

“Hey, Kara, Winn,” Maggie smiled at the two of them but was clearly only interested in Alex. “Alex? Can we talk for a second?”

 

Kara made eye contact with Alex, frowning slightly, before Alex looked to Winn briefly as she stood up. 

 

“Sure, of course,” Alex replied, grabbing her jacket and heading for the door. Well, she’d been meaning to make time to talk to Maggie this week, but...maybe Maggie was about to do it first.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment if you read and enjoy/have ideas/etc.!


	4. The L in LGBT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS. I literally wrote “Maggie Sanvers walked in” in the last chapter. and NO ONE COMMENTED HOW INCORRECT THAT WAS
> 
> I also read that line over like…at least five times, because her named sounded weird as I was editing, but I read it and was like no, definitely sanvers. Danvers. Sanvers. So obviously Maggie SANVERS. Wat the fuck you guys!!!!! Losing my shit. (side note, I fixed it. Sawyer. Lord)

 

Kara looked on moppily as Alex left with Maggie.

 

Damn Maggie and her perfect hair and perfect smile.

 

Perfect hands that (possessively, Kara _personally_ felt like) rested on Alex’s back as she followed her out the door.

 

Kara wanted to growl.

 

“Woah, down girl,” Winn’s voice interrupted her thoughts. Kara whipped her head to face him.

 

“That was out loud, wasn’t it,” Kara deflated as Winn nodded at her, looking mildly concerned but also amused.

 

Mostly amused.

 

“I just…” Kara started pacing while she talked.  “She’s just so…blargh!”

 

“Alex is so blargh?” Winn asked, prompting Kara to halt her pacing that, she realized now, had started a small wind storm. There were papers all over the floor. Crap. Alex was going to kill her.

 

“Alex? Who said anything about Alex?” Kara demanded as she halfheartedly went for the papers. Why would Alex be blargh? Alex was perfect.

 

Obviously.

 

“I was talking about Maggie,” Kara frowned at Winn because, also. Obvious.

 

Winn looked like he wanted to bolt at the first available moment, but instead he plunged ahead valiantly. 

 

“Oh, yes, her,” he mumbled, picking up the coffee that had been left sitting in front of him and taking a sip, feigning nonchalance. He spluttered when he tasted it. “So cold! And whole milk, jesus, Alex.”

 

Kara pretended not to hear him and carried on.

 

“She’s just, so…I don't know!”

 

“Nice? Smart?” Winn suggested (un)helpfully.

 

“No!” Kara did growl again this time.  “Frustrating. Alex doesn’t need to be led around like a puppy. She can walk without Maggie’s help.” She punctuated the last statement with a scoff.

 

“Nobody’s saying she can’t,” Winn replied, suddenly feeling the need to be drinking something stronger than coffee. He dropped his cheek into his palm where his elbow was resting on the table and looked at Kara sideways. “Don’t you drag her around all the time by the hand, anyway?

 

Kara cut him off before he could say anything more, pointedly ignoring his last comment again.

 

“And “can we talk?” Like, what is that,” Kara asked the room at large, voice raising.

 

“Pretty sure it’s just “can we talk” like, “can we talk?”” Winn tried one more time, but at the look Kara immediately shot him, he vowed to just stop talking.

 

This wasn’t going nearly as well as his talk with Alex felt like it had.

 

“She just doesn’t need her, okay?” Kara practically yelled, then quickly closed her mouth at the look she received from an agent passing the lab.

 

Where was this even coming from, anyway? What was happening with her?

 

Kara was aware she was overreacting, but she was so – irritated, it was like she couldn’t stop herself from exploding over it.

 

It was a distressing feeling.

 

The worst part was that it didn’t just feel like she was annoyed at Maggie – it was like she was mad at Alex too, for some reason.

 

It didn’t make any sense to her. Why would she be mad at Alex? She wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was just…hanging out with Maggie. The whole thing was making Kara’s head hurt (which was a feat in it of itself because Kara was incapable of getting a headache on Earth.)

 

Kara had been silent for at least two minutes, eyes on her feet and lip between her teeth when Winn finally dared to speak up again.

 

“What’s up?” he pried gently, really hoping that regardless of what was going on with her emotional state, Kara was more in control than she seemed – he really wasn’t looking to be fried with heat vision today.

 

“I don’t know,” Kara mumbled, playing with the hem of her skirt. She fingered the soft, yet sturdy material of it between her fingers. “I told Alex I was bi yesterday.”

 

Winn immediately shot the second sip of coffee he had just stolen out of his mouth. Kara froze it with her breath mid-spit, then started shoving the frozen bits that had proceeded to hit the floor into a pile with her boot. As if the whole thing were totally normal.

 

“Bi-lingual?” Winn ventured a guess, voice pitching dangerously high to be considered still normal for him. “Cuz, obvi, Kryptonian and English, although I had always assumed you knew more languages than that, for some reason…”

 

“No, not bi…not that. Like…you know,” Kara blushed furiously, still avoiding eye contact.

 

Winn blinked owlishly at her. This day was getting too twilight zoney. Even for him!

 

“Is there something in the water?” he asked himself, leaning over to peer into the now empty coffee mug. “Or pink kryptonite…? But that wouldn’t explain Al – ”

 

“What are going on about?” Kara cut into his unintentionally external-internal monologue and he swallowed his last word immediately.

 

“Nothing! So…wow. That’s – that’s awesome, Kara,” Winn tried to recover quickly and found, for once, that his word choice had actually stated what his brain had wanted to be communicated. It _was_ awesome.

 

“Really?” Kara asked hesitantly, finally looking up from where she had switched to scuffing her boots on the floor. “It…it’s a lot.” There was a slightly eroded part of the lab floor where she had been scuffing, now. Winn chose to ignore it.

 

“Yeah, of course,” he assured her. “I’m really happy. For you, that you told her, and that you’re telling me. I’m really glad you did.” He said the last part more gently, pausing to catch his best friend’s eye. She smiled, somewhat reluctantly, but smiled all the same. “But yeah, I mean, I can imagine it would be a lot.”

 

Kara looked down again. “I just feel like…I don’t know. Kind of a jerk? For…raining on her parade.” Winn’s mostly blank stare caused Kara to blush again, although she wasn’t sure why. “Cause…you know. She just came out?”

 

Winn panicked.

 

“Came out…as…?” he questioned, trying to be as nonchalant about it as possible.

 

“….gay…?” Kara was looking at him like he’d grown ten heads. “What is going on with you?”

 

“Ah! Yes! The gay!” Winn replied, nodding in agreement with the statement as Kara continued to stare at him. “Yes, h – sh – Alex is gay.”

 

Kara squinted at him as if trying to discern with her x-ray vision if, in fact, Winn was suffering from a head injury before shaking her head and deciding to write it off as typical(ly weird) Winn.

 

“Yeah. So I feel really bad about…I don’t know. For once, I didn’t want her to focus on me and my problems. I wanted the focus to be on her! And her…gay.” Kara ended her ramble with a frown. Winn was rubbing off on her. She needed sleep.

 

She hadn’t been able to sleep at all the night before. When Alex had held out her arms for Kara to snuggle into, Kara had almost cried with relief. She didn’t know why she’d been so nervous about it, it wasn’t like when Alex came out to her _Kara_ had felt weird about snuggling with her at all. She was still Alex, of course she wanted to snuggle with her still!

 

Kara shook her head at herself as Winn got up to find paper towels for the frozen coffee that was now melting into the slight divot in the floor.

 

Regardless, she hadn’t been able to sleep. She’d stayed awake for hours, listening to Alex’s breathing behind her and blessing Earth for causing her to be physically unable feel pain at laying in the same position for hours on end, like it pained Alex. When she had finally fallen asleep it was only because Alex had rolled away, and Kara had instead rolled herself into a ball at her back and let Alex’s warmth and heartbeat (but not her arms…being in Alex’s arm was almost too much right now, for some reason) lull her to sleep.

 

It had been 5 am then. They got up at 6. Even though she couldn’t really be tired like a human. She still _felt_ like she felt tired.

 

Whatever.

 

Kara could hear Alex’s voice saying that word in her head, the first time she had used it about something Kara had said when they were teenagers.

 

_“WHATever,” Alex had stuck up her nose at something Kara had said that was slightly too pretentious sounding for a fourteen-year-old. Kara was always saying things that were “too formal” or “too polite” or something else that really just equated, Kara knew, in Alex’s brain to weird. Worse than weird, though, was when Alex’s parents would smile at something Kara had said, in a way they never really did with Alex, and praise her about how smart she was. How mature. Alex always glared at her then and then fell silent until they weren’t in the same room anymore._

_Kara had stared at the ceiling that night, much like she did almost every night since she’d gotten to Earth, thinking about what she had said, then what Alex had said, over and over, trying to train her brain to understand when and how to say things – whatever would get the best result from Alex. She didn’t want to hurt Alex. She didn’t want to make Alex’s parents like her more._

_She just wanted Alex to like her._

_Usually, Alex’s response to her was just indifference or no response at all. Sometimes, though… Alex would smile at her._

_Kara spent the second half of all of her nights trying to find the right equation – of words, behaviors, timing – to elicit that response, and only that one, from Alex again._

“Kara?” Winn was talking to her. Kara pulled herself out of her memories, trying to ignore the dull ache that they left in her.

 

She wanted Alex to come back from talking to Maggie, now.

 

“Yeah?” Kara tried to focus on Winn instead of giving in and letting herself find Alex and Maggie with her super hearing and listening in.

 

It wasn’t her business. She knew it wasn’t.

 

It wasn’t even something she would ever do, normally. She respected people’s boundaries. She was the last one to use her superpowers for something so clearly…invasive. Rao, what was happening.

 

“I asked if you wanted to go grab something from Noonan’s,” Winn asked, hands in his pockets and watching her with what could only be described as fondness. “Cheer you up with some buns.”

 

Kara laughed at that, finally, then shook her head.

 

“Nah, I’m okay, thanks though Winn,” she replied, still smiling. “I think I’ll wait for Alex.”

 

“Okay,” Winn nodded, no hint of rejection in his voice that might’ve been there only a few months ago. They’d come a long way, the two of them. She was proud to have him by her side in life.

 

Kara wanted to say thank you, but sometimes, when she least expected it, English failed her. Moments when she was feeling so much, it was like her brain didn’t know how – or didn’t want to – express it in simple human words.

She felt like, maybe, words in those moments would have failed her in Kryptonian too.

 

Instead, she stepped forward and reached out to pull Winn into her arms. She held him for a moment, feeling him smile into her shoulder, before she pulled away. As she did, Alex around a corner, Maggie in tow and made eye contact with Kara through the glass as they walked back towards the lab.

 

At seeing them together again, Kara’s skin prickled with something that was starting to feel familiar, but that she was dreading having to name.

 

“On second thought – yeah? Can we?” Kara asked hesitantly, not wanting Winn to think he was her backup, or only a priority when Alex wasn’t there. It wasn’t like that. She just…how could she explain something she didn’t have words for.

 

Winn looked behind him to see what had caused the shift in Kara and saw Alex heading towards them – with Maggie. Noted. He smoothly turned back and enthusiastically bobbed his head. “Yeah, absolutely, I am _dying_ for a nice, sweet, sticky –“

 

“Do not finish that sentence, Mr. Schott,” Kara turned a stern eye on him as Alex and Maggie came back into the room.

“Hey,” Alex seemed breathless, but in a way that made her face brighter, her eyes…happier? What had just happened.

 

Maybe Kara should’ve listened after all.

 

Kara shifted her cape slightly as she shrugged her shoulders, shrinking back ever so slightly without really moving her body. “Hey. We’re going to Noonan’s, I think. Want us to bring you anything?”

 

Alex frowned, wondering why Kara hadn’t extended the invitation. She supposed it was because Kara knew she was working…but still.

 

Kara never cared about bothering her at work, even if she knew the answer to something would be no. Kara also knew that it was a never a no for long, when Kara was involved.

 

If Kara hadn’t been studiously avoiding looking at Alex with Maggie, she might’ve noticed how Maggie, while she wasn’t giving much away, wasn’t standing quite as close to Alex as normal. How she kept glancing at Alex out of the corner of her eye. How she seemed…almost sad.

Winn noticed.

 

He also noticed that Alex’s body language was practically screaming _Kara, stay_ , but he had the distinct feeling that the combination of Kara casting a deaf ear and Alex’s desperation for Kara to just _hear_ her would not achieve anything helpful to either of them in the end.

“Oh, okay,” Alex too shrank back a bit, almost stepping back into Maggie’s personal space but seeming to think better of it, switching direction at the last moment and moving back towards the table instead. “No, I’m okay. Maggie?”

 

“I’m good, Kara,” Maggie replied, smiling gently at her. Her use of Kara’s real name for some reason, seemed to shake the tension in the room and everyone moved at once.

 

“Hey, what happened to my coffee?” Alex asked, tipping her cup to the side to show the empty cup to Kara and Winn as she cocked an eyebrow.

“Nothing, gotta go, buns await, bye!” Winn yelped before scampering out of the room. Kara shrugged with an innocent face and then darted after him. Maggie stepped closer to Alex, reaching her hand out – not all the way to touch Alex, but to give them a closeness without actually getting nearer to her.

 

“Thank you. For telling me,” she murmured, and Alex gingerly set the cup down.

 

“I’m sorry,” Alex said, dropping her eyes down to the table. The sheer thrill that had been running through her body not long ago had waned a bit at Kara’s behavior towards her.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Maggie reassured her. “I – I know it doesn’t, totally matter. But I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that…I’m just sorry.”

 

“It’s okay,” Alex said, straightening back up and trying to regain the feeling from before. Of really feeling like, even if she wasn’t there yet, maybe she really could be her authentic self.

 

Finally.

 

“No, I do,” Maggie shrugged, stepping away now and putting her hands in back pockets. “I need to think about it more. Even if that's how I feel...I don't feel good about it. Can we…talk again? Soon?”

 

“Of course,” Alex replied, mimicking Maggie and feeling how damp her palms were again as she slid them against the fabric of her jeans. “Can I...walk you out?”

 

Maggie smiled softly at that – Alex, chivalrous as always, without even realizing she – without even realizing it.

Alex caught sight of a flash of blue and red disappear from just outside the DEO doors as she neared them with Maggie. She sighed, and then stepped forward to swing the door open for Maggie.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BUM BUM BUM....what did Alex and Maggie talk about?? When will Kara and Alex talk? I promise it's endgame Kalex...just slow burn. I need to go add that to the tags. Woof. thanks for reading!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE IT IS folks, I'm sorry it's been so long...two chapters for your patience :)

_ Kara rolled into Alex’s side, getting as close as she could without making it obvious that she was awake. _

 

_ She was terrified of Alex knowing how much she needed her. _

 

_ How close she wanted to be to her. _

 

_ How all her feelings just felt - wrong. _

 

_ Kara breathed in slowly, releasing the breath just as softly and letting her forehead fall into Alex’s back. _

 

_ Alex murmured and started to move; Kara immediately rolled  away, thinking Alex had been awake all along and that she would know -  _

 

_ Know what? _

 

_ Kara braced herself. Could she fake it, like she herself had been asleep this whole time? The rolling could have all been an accident...she couldn’t be held accountable for something she did in her sleep, right? _

 

_ Kara held her breath as Alex rolled onto her back, twitching in sleep before rolling even farther so that her body was curled onto her left side, limbs pressed against herself and cheek on Kara’s now rigid shoulder. _

 

_ Relax, Kara, her brain repeated over and over to itself. _

 

_ She did her best. _

 

_ Kara fell back to sleep with the steady pressure of Alex’s skin against her arm, willing herself to ignore the desire to pull Alex closer and the ache starting at her lips and ending between her toes. _

 

It was the day after Maggie and Alex had talked. Kara woke up with a start, body shooting up from the pillows and blankets. She looked around frantically, relieved but momentarily devastated to find herself alone.

 

It had been a dream.

 

Another one of those horrible, frustrating, terrifying dreams.

 

Kara allowed herself one moment to close her eyes, remember how she felt - warm, scared, excited, love - as the dream slipped away, and then opened them again.

 

Alex hadn’t ended up coming over the night before, like Kara had thought she was going to. She squeezed her eyes shut at the thought of what she might've been doing with Maggie, instead.

 

Kara fell back against the pillows, defeat running heavy through her entire body. She was pretty sure she knew what she was feeling, now. Even her subconscious couldn't hide it from her anymore. 

 

And...it was too much. Alex had Maggie. Maggie was perfect.

 

It was time to move on.

 

*******

 

Alex groaned as she woke up across the city.

 

Her head hurt.

 

After talking to Maggie and being ignored by Kara, she had worked a few more hours before bailing on work and heading to the bar around the corner.

 

The bartender sent a whiskey on the rocks down her way as she sat down and finally breathed again. 

 

It had been a long ass day.

 

_ “So...Danvers,” Maggie had began, leaning back against the long table that was in the small conference room they’d ducked into after leaving Winn and Kara.  “What’s going on.” _

 

_ Alex spent a moment attempting to look confused about the accusation, but immediately deflated when Maggie quirked her eyebrow at Alex’s fumbling. Damn Maggie and her skills of perception. _

 

_ Also Alex’s poor lying skills. Tomato, tomahto.  _

 

_ “I don’t know,” Alex confessed, leaning back against the wall behind her. It was an awkward position for her - it felt like a submissive position, something she wasn’t used to at the DEO. This was her place, she was in command. _

 

_ Not today. Not any day, lately. _

 

_ “Are you...do you want to break up with me?” Maggie slowly let tumble out of her mouth, then winced ever so slightly. Alex felt the heat rise to her face. _

 

_ “No! No, that’s not why…” as she said it, she realized that no, it wasn’t why she thought had been acting weird around Maggie, but...she wasn’t sure it was entirely out of the realm of possibility. It made her panic, made her want to run out of the room and never look back. She didn’t want to string anyone along. That wasn’t her. That wasn’t Maggie - Maggie didn’t deserve that. No one did. _

 

_ “That’s not why I’ve been...off,” Alex decided to say. It was the most truthful, and the only way she was going to make it through this conversation, if they started with what she needed to get out the most and then tried to tackle the rest. _

 

_ Maggie cocked her head at Alex, waiting. _

 

_ “I...I…” suddenly, this was so much harder than Winn. Objectively, she’d known it would be, but for some reason, telling this wonderful girl who loved her, Alex-as-a-girl, that maybe, that wasn’t who she was?  _

 

_ It felt like she was confessing a lie. It felt like somehow, she’d been deceiving Maggie. _

 

_ That Maggie would hate her. _

 

_ “Alex,” Maggie stepped closer to her, taking ahold of the edges of Alex’s jacket and pulling herself closer to Alex with them. “Whatever it is, it’s okay. We can deal with it. Okay?” _

 

_ Alex squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on the faint feeling of Maggie’s breath on her face, of where the jacket pulled against her where it was being pulled towards someone else. _

 

_ “I don’t want you to hate me,” Alex whispered, eyes still closed. _

 

_ “Why would I hate you?” _

 

_ “Because I don’t think...I’m a girl, anymore,” was all she could manage, shrugging one shoulder slightly and then inhaling a sharp, pained breath at the way her jacket relaxed, the air got cooler as Maggie took a short step back. _

 

_ “What?” Alex opened her eyes to find Maggie still staring at her, uncomprehending as she asked the question. “What does that...what?” _

 

_ “I...Maggie, I think I’m trans - transgender. I think I’m transgender,” Alex let fall from her mouth, tears prickling at the corner of her eyes.  _

 

_ “You...oh,” Maggie blinked at her. Alex had no idea what she was thinking. Maggie just kept staring at her, her mouth opening and shut a few times but no words coming out. _

 

_ There was silence that seemed to stretch on for hours, before finally Maggie leaned back against the table again, slightly less relaxed than before. _

 

_ “So...you think you’re...I mean, you’re a trans...guy?” Maggie licked her lips as she said it, a faint blush rising to her cheeks. Alex only saw it because she had spent so much time with Maggie, it was barely there at all, but somehow the fact that maybe Maggie felt as lost about this as she did made her a little more confident. Stand a little taller. _

 

_ Maggie wasn’t running from the room, at least. _

 

_ “Yes? I don’t know,” Alex shrugged again, blinking the tears away. “I didn’t - I just started feeling like this. I wasn’t trying to...be deceptive, or something.” _

 

_ “No, no of course not,” Maggie rushed to say, then seemed to bit her lip to stop herself from saying anymore.  After a few more moments of silence, Alex went to open her mouth - there was so much more that she wanted to say, suddenly, now that Maggie actually knew -  when Maggie beat her to it. _

 

_ “Alex,” Maggie said, head dropping to look at her hands. Alex immediately shut her mouth and waited. “I don’t….Alex, I’m a lesbian.” _

 

_ Even though she almost wanted it, even though she was expecting it, the sting she still felt was unexpected. Made her cheeks burn, her palms sweat again. _

 

_ “I know,” Alex mumbled, hair falling around her face as she too looked down. “I know what this means.” _

 

_ “I don’t know what to do,”  Maggie looked up now, her face pained and eyes full of tears. “I feel like such an asshole. It’s still...you. And I like you, Alex, all of you...but. I don’t...I don’t like men. I’m not attracted to them. I’m not comfortable with men, in that way.” _

 

_ This time, even though almost everything in her wanted to crawl into a hole in a floor and never have to face the rest of this conversation, Alex replayed Maggie’s words in her...his. In his head. _

 

_ I like you, Alex, but...I don’t like men. I’m not attracted to them. _

 

_ Maggie, no questions asked, was seeing him as he wanted to be seen. Even now, even if he didn’t look like how he wanted to look, even if he was still lost and confused and unsure about what was to come, she saw him. She believed him. She didn’t ask any questions, other than how he identified, didn’t see him as somehow different, as a trans man, than a cis man. He wasn’t an exception to the rule in her book as somehow still “a woman.” He was still a man, to her, even if that meant she wasn’t interested in being with him anymore.  _

_ The thought was terrifying, but exhilarating at the same time. _

 

_ “It’s okay, Maggie,” Alex said, even though it was and it wasn’t. “I...thank you, for believing me. And seeing me.” _

 

_ “Alex, you can be and are whoever you want to be. I will always be here as your friend. I...is it okay, if we just, take a break? For now. I just want to wrap my head around it all,” Maggie stayed at the table, tears on her cheeks but no longer in her eyes.  _

 

_ “I think that would be best, honestly,” Alex said. Part of him desperately wanted her to say she loved him no matter what, would be there for him as be attracted to him always - it had taken a long time for him to finally find someone who was attracted to him that he, too, was attracted to in a way that felt real. _

 

_ It would’ve been validating. But it wouldn’t have been okay. _

 

_ It wouldn’t have been okay because another part of him, a larger part of him, just wanted her to end it because as much as he liked her, it felt wrong to stay with her when he was still desperately in love with someone else.  _

 


	6. Chapter 6

Alex shook his head to rid himself of the memory of yesterday, but quickly groaned and sunk back into the bed.

 

Advil immediately, please.

 

He took his time rolling out of bed before fumbling around for his black and white athletic socks he wandered around the house in, often just in boxers and a wife beater.

 

Everything made so much more sense now, he was SUCH a bro.

 

After stumbling around the room and putting on some sweats over his boxers and tank, he went into the kitchen and tried to get a piece or two of bread down before taking the painkillers. He tossed the pills back with some water, then trudged over to the couch and flopped gingerly down on it.

 

Alex was having so many feelings. Coming out to Winn, everything with Maggie, how he was feeling about Kara...at this point, other than coming out to two people as trans, he hadn’t thought much more past what it really meant to be trans other than that he felt like he was.

 

What did it mean?

 

Sunlight was starting to stream in the window, right across Alex’s face. He opened an eye to glare at it before rolling over to shove his face into the pillows.

 

Where did he go from here?

 

_Was he really trans?_

 

That was the thought that had been lingering most prominently in his mind. Even after telling Winn and Maggie, the thought still remained. Was it all a big mistake? Was he just projecting...something? What if he had been totally wrong, what if this was just a disaster waiting to happen, what if -

 

He stopped himself.

 

And thought about how he had felt, when Maggie called him a trans guy.

 

A trans guy.

 

Alex rolled back over, and frowned at the ceiling.

 

“I’m a trans…” he started, then stopped.  Then started again. “I’m a guy. I’m a trans...guy.”

 

A trans guy. A trans man.

 

Trans.

 

Alex rolled back over into the cushions and let out a muffled scream, then burrowed further into the crack between the cushions. Maybe if he wedged himself in far enough, the day would just continue on without him.

 

He rolled back again. And noticed the swell of his chest, from the way he was lying flat on his back.

 

He rolled over again and curled up into a ball. He felt so wrong, all over again, not for being gay this time, but for...being himself. Having the body he did, but feeling the way he did about his gender.

 

Alex was a he. He was a dude.

 

A dude with a chest, and other things, and who didn’t know what to do with any of that.

 

He really missed Kara. There was suddenly a desperate longing in his chest to see her, and hug her, and talk to her about all of this.

 

He was so scared, though.

 

When Alex had first fallen for Maggie, it felt like a breath of fresh air. It felt so right, to finally be able to be with a woman, that he ignored the lingering feeling of why it felt ever so off, still, when she touched him in certain ways. It was a lot better, certainly, than it had ever been with men, but it wasn’t quite…

 

There was something about it that still made his stomach roll. It felt good, better than it had ever felt before, but he still felt detached.

 

Sometimes, though, even though he hated himself for it...it was different when he thought about Kara, instead.

 

When he was alone, thinking about what it had been like kissing Maggie and how happy he was...his thoughts would unwillingly turn to Kara. Kara’s hair, splayed out on a pillow next to him. Her lips, smiling at him. Daydream him would reach a hand out across her, rubbing her shoulder, and her face would change into one of...almost longing?

 

Sometimes, Alex could swear he had seen that actual expression on Kara’s real face. It would always be gone just as he tried to get a closer look, though.

 

In his daydream, it would stay. She would let him touch her arm, rubbing gently, as he leaned closer, let his hand move down farther to rest on her hip.

 

Kara’s breath would catch, her lips would part ever so slightly, and she would lean into his touch.

 

Never once, before now, had he realized that when daydream Kara reached out to touch Alex, she always put her hand on his chest, laying it flat. There was never any real image or feeling in his thoughts about what she was touching, but how she was touching it instead.

 

It made him feel strong, made him lean just that much farther into her touch to bring his lips to hers.

 

Then his eyes would snap open before he squeezed them shut tightly again, shaking his head quickly to rid himself of the image. Trying to ignore the ache he felt everywhere, but especially in the lower part of his body.

 

Alex opened his eyes now, still curled up but trying to really think about it for the first time. It made his face hot and he could hear his mother's voice in his head, scolding him, but he tried to ignore it all and just focus on the fantasy.

 

He thought about how his body had felt. It felt the same, except there was nothing particularly distinguishing him as female in the daydream. It was almost like a blank slate, and the only real thing in it was Kara.

 

Alex uncurled himself, his heart beating fast. Why was everything in his life always so entwined with Kara, Kara, Kara.

 

In spite of everything, his head felt a little bit better at this point. He rolled his legs off the couch and reached out for the glass of water drunk him had somehow managed to pour last night. After a long sip, he chanced a glance down at himself again.

 

Yup, still there.

 

He tugged slightly on the bottom of the tank, pulling it out enough that his chest flattened out a bit from where the material was putting pressure on it.

 

Wow. Alex squinted a little bit more at how much of a difference something so small made, then got up and headed for his full length mirror.

 

He did the same thing with the fabric, pulling it and slouching slightly in front of his mirror.

 

Damn.

 

At that exact moment, his phone buzzed from somewhere in his bed. Alex jumped about a foot in the air, then headed over quickly to look for the phone.

 

As if he’d been doing nothing.

 

As he reached under a pillow, finding nothing, he contemplated his reaction, then stood up again, forgetting the phone.

 

He _had_ been doing something. And you know what?

 

It was okay.

 

It was okay that he was curious. He was by himself, trying to figure shit out. There was nothing wrong with it.

 

He drifted back over the mirror, pulling the wife beater even more. He then let it go, remembering the flannel Kara had left not too long ago in his room. He’d hung it up with his things, always loving how soft it was.

 

Now, he realized, it was also bigger and slightly baggier, too.

 

Alex quickly buttoned it up over the tank top, then slouched slightly, looking into the mirror.

 

He pulled his hair up on either side, at the same time, then looked again.

 

He almost cried, because even the pieced apart version of this image of himself felt a thousand times better than anything he’d ever seen himself wearing in his life before this.

 

Alex dropped his hands and let out a very unmanly squeal, which quickly turned into a shriek as the phone buzzed again.

 

Right. Phone.

 

Alex searched more thoroughly this time and managed to find the phone half in a sock he had kicked off his foot under the covers last night. He shook his head with a laugh at how that could have possibly happened, then stopped breathing for a minute when he saw who the text was from.

 

_Kara Danvers: Hey Al_

 

Alex paused, biting his lip, then typed back a response quickly.

 

_Hey, Kara. I’m really sorry I didn’t come by._

 

A few seconds later - _It’s okay. Thanks for texting me to let me know. Just wanted to check in_

 

Alex frowned, then scrolled up the texts to see the last text he had sent Kara the previous night.

 

_TireD. Goingto just go home. LoveyoU_

 

Oh jeez.

 

He winced as he responded. _Shit, I’m sorry. I...it was a long week. But I’m really sorry. I wanted to check in, too, about what you told me._

 

There was no response for a moment, so Alex panicked and sent another text.

 

_I was worried you were mad at me, for some reason._

 

The response came quickly this time.

 

_I’m not, I’m sorry if I was being weird yesterday. No, it’s okay, you don’t have to! It’s really not a big deal. I want to focus on you, for once._

 

Alex rolled his eyes with a sigh before responding. _Kara. You’re always looking out for me. Just like I look out for you. We’re in this together._

 

There was no response for a few minutes, and Alex’s hopes of fixing whatever was going on with them fell as he sat at the counter in the kitchen.

 

Just as he was about to send another text, there was a _whoosh_ behind him and then an alien at his back, holding him against her with her head on his shoulder.

 

“Hi,” Kara said quietly, squeezing Alex as hard as, Alex recognized, she could without hurting him.

 

“Hey, you,” he managed to get out, his voice low from the combined effect of not having used it since sleep and his lack of air. It seemed to make Kara relax, but shiver slightly at the same time, and he turned in her arms until his knees were bumping against her thighs.

 

“I’m sorry,” Kara went to fidget with her glasses before remembering they weren’t there and dropping her hands. “I was in a bad mood yesterday. I do want to talk, if...you want to?”

 

Alex nodded, heart thumping in his chest. “Yes. Always.”

 

“Good. I brought sticky buns AND potstickers,” Kara smiled widely, face lighting up and arm whipping both items out from somewhere mysteriously behind her. Alex laughed, tipping his head to the side a bit and watching how Kara flushed before turning away.

 

“Come on!” she called to him from the couch, speeding away for a moment before returning in some of Alex’s pajamas. “It’s lazy Sunday day. And we’re spending all of it together.”

 

Alex took a deep breath before climbing off the stool and heading over to dig in.

 

Maybe, just maybe, this time he would tell her.

  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my friends!! sorry for the wait! This one had me stuck for a bit for some reason, hopefully you like it!
> 
> note about pronouns: until Kara knows Alex's new pronouns, she uses she/her for him, and therefore when it's from her perspective she still uses those. But Alex uses his new ones, obviously, and therefore when he's thinking it's he/him.
> 
> my perspectives need a little work, I don't think they're should necessarily be both in a chapter. I'm working on it!! (sorry)

Kara managed to drop all of the potstickers on the floor before even she herself could eat one.

 

Alex thought she looked, seriously, almost as devastated as when she first learned Alex couldn’t stomach as much food as she, Kara, could.

 

“I’m so sorry, I can go get more!” Kara scrambled around with super speed, piling them into a haphazard pile back in the take out container. Alex could almost ignore the fuzz from the carpet that decorated a few of them now if it would stop the empty look in Kara’s eyes.

 

“Kara, it’s fine,” Alex chuckled lowly, waving his hand at the lukewarm food. “I know you’ll eat them regardless...and we both know you’d have eaten most of them, anyway.”

 

Kara’s eyes started to light back up and she quickly reached out and shoved a few into her mouth. She sank back into the couch, cheeks full of dough and meat and a happy smile on her lips.

 

“Fank you,” she mumbled, blushing as she covered her mouth quickly, feeling the food start to slip out. Alex just rolled her eyes and Kara thanks Rao for the hundredth time that month that she has Alex. Alex who loves her in all her forms, sunny and bright and messy and embarassed and Supergirl and -

 

Alex, who is now staring at her with an eyebrow quirked. Kara quickly realized she’d been staring at said Alex with a dreamy look on her face and unchewed potsticker still shoved in her mouth, unswallowed.

 

She swallowed quickly, momentarily wincing as the too-big bite went down.

 

Kara knew she was acting weird. She knew it. She knew it, she knew Alex knew it, and Alex looked more unsettled by this than she normally would so Kara couldn't help but worry that she was just messing everything up yet again.

 

“So,” Kara cleared her throat, blushing harder as she tried to pull herself together. “How’s Maggie?”

 

Alex seemed to freeze at the question, and Kara mentally smacked herself for not being cooler about it.

 

Be cool, Kara. Conceal, don’t feel. You’re happy for Alex. Maggie’s great. Don’t be weird.

 

“You know, because you’re dating, and...stuff,” Kara trailed off aimlessly, eyes widening at the words that were unintentionally falling out of her mouth.

 

“Yeah...we’re,” Alex stopped, unsure where to go from here without just telling Kara everything. He wanted this to go well. This was the most important person in his entire world he was about to confess his biggest secret to. He didn’t want to just fumble through it any more than he had to.

 

In true Alex fashion, though, he wanted to make sure Kara was okay first. “Actually - I wanted to see how you were feeling about telling me you were...that you were bi.”

 

Kara had been fiddling with the napkin in her lap, tearing it to shreds, but immediately jerked a hand and sent several napkin snowflakes tumbling to the ground at the comment.

 

“What? That? Why?” Kara stood suddenly and swept her cape around her without really thinking, it seemed, as Alex watched the rest of the torn napkin tumble to the floor in a flurry of white.

 

“I don’t know,” Alex shifted, moving to shrug his shoulder and place his hands in his lap. “You’ve just seemed...a little unsettled? Since you talked to me last. I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, so I won’t push it, but I did want to make sure everything was okay.”

 

Kara deflated slightly at that and turned from where she had been pacing to step hesitantly back towards Alex.

 

“Oh.” Kara replied softly, biting her lower lip. Alex couldn't bring himself to look away from the action.

 

Kara took another hesitant step forward before perching as delicately as Kara could on the edge of the couch. “No, I’m...I’m definitely okay. About it, and about telling you.” Alex smiled hesitantly, sensing the but that was about to follow. “But..I’m just sad, I guess.”

 

Alex frowned. “About what?”

 

Kara took a deep breath, and then seemed to steel herself to say the next few words. “The...person I like, right now, is already seeing someone.”

 

Alex’s throat felt like it was plunging into his stomach. He tried to contain the sudden onslaught of emotions that came with Kara’s confession and pushed on. “Oh?”

 

Kara glanced quickly at Alex before looking back down again. “Yeah.” She seemed to realize that wasn’t explanation enough and hurried to continue, running a hand through her hair. “I just...seeing you...and...remembering I’d told you, at least some of it...I guess it just made it harder, because it reminded me of...them.”

 

“Oh. Yeah, that...that makes a lot of sense,” Alex tried to force an expression of sympathy onto his face, even though all he wanted to do was curl back up into the couch again. “I’m really sorry, Kara. I wish...they knew how much they were missing.”

 

Kara hummed lowly in agreement, not daring to look at Alex this time. She was barely holding back her tears as it was. Damn her and how dramatic all of her emotions were.

 

“I’m still really glad you told me,” Alex reached out a hand to set one of his over Kara’s and rubbed his thumb across her knuckles as he did so. Kara pulled her hand away only to cover Alex’s hand again and clench it tightly beneath hers.

 

“Thank you,” Kara whispered, tears falling unbidden. “For making it so easy.”

 

Alex couldn’t help himself from doing anything less than reaching up with his other hand and wiping the tears away with the sleeve of Kara’s flannel. Kara leaned her face into his hand before he could pull it away, then sat back up straighter with an accusatory smile. “Hey, that’s mine!”

 

Alex wiggled his eyebrows at her. “Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?” He quickly pulled his hand free from Kara and jerked back towards the other side of the couch.

 

 _Well_ then. If Alex wanted to play it that way.

 

There was a shriek as Alex was scooped up off the couch by Kara and whisked away in the air to the bedroom, where he was deposited (gently) in a heap in the center of the bed.

 

“You asked for it,” Kara dove for Alex gleefully as Alex yelled and tried to roll away. Escape was futile, however, as Kara grabbed Alex by his sides and wrestled him onto his stomach, sitting low on his back.

 

“Take it off!” Kara yelled, laughing, pulling at the arms of the flannel, managing to free one from Alex’s left arm. Alex felt his body flush with heat, suddenly, at the feeling of Kara on top of him, pulling at him, wrestling like they always had - except now, it felt different. 

 

More sexual, for him. No less wrong, though.

 

Alex decided to push his luck anyway.

 

He took advantage of Kara’s momentary glee and rolled himself over underneath her. Kara seemed to startle at the action, freezing with one hand still on the flannel, the other raised beside her like she wanted to reach for Alex but couldn’t quite do it, for some reason.

 

Then, he used his abdominal muscles to propel himself forwards, up and towards Kara before grabbing her around the waist and throwing her down on the bed instead.

 

“Gotcha,” he grinned triumphantly, slipping his arm back into the sleeve of the flannel as he sat back on Kara’s hips.  

 

“Yeah,” Kara replied breathlessly. Her eyes were wide in a way that made it seem like brain hadn’t caught up with what had just happened yet. It wasn’t until she shifted her legs underneath Alex that he realized how firmly he had settled himself on top of her. He quickly swung a leg back over Kara’s lower body and flopped gingerly onto his back. He shut his eyes and tried to let his breathing even out, listening to Kara’s ever so slightly more labored breathing next to him.

 

“Hey,” he said, when he could finally open his eyes and not feel the need to squirm under the brightness of the room - and Kara’s eyes that quickly drifted to him.

 

“Yeah?” Kara asked, her voice ringing out loudly in the sudden silence.

 

“I have a thing to tell you,” Alex rushed out, then winced. He couldn’t imagine saying the words out loud.

 

“Yeah? Anything, Alex,” Kara spoke softly, using her voice reserved for anxious, scared, worried Alex.

 

It calmed him, like it always did.

 

“I’m...I think I’m trans, Kara,” Alex shut his eyes again, as tightly as he could without moving the rest of his face.

 

There was silence.

 

Alex counted to ten in his head, backwards, and then listened.

 

Still only silence.

 

He could hear the birds outside, chirping. The neighbor upstairs clanging a dish. The air circulating the room seemed to make noise, even.

 

From Kara, there was nothing.

 

Alex was about to start contemplating running away screaming from the room when he felt the softest kiss against the side of his face.

 

He opened his eyes, not daring to move, as Kara pulled away far enough that she could resettle herself against him, head against his shoulder and arm across his stomach, holding him close.

 

“That makes a lot of sense,” Kara murmured against his arm, echoing Alex’s sentiment from earlier.

 

Of all of the things Kara could’ve said, that was the absolute last one Alex was expecting.

 

“Wait...what?” Alex tried to move to look at Kara’s face, but Kara was holding him so tightly yet protectively that he stopped after a moment and just sunk into the embrace.

 

From what Alex could feel, it seemed like Kara shrugged before cuddling closer. “I don’t know. It just...makes sense.”

 

Alex let that sink in for a minute and found that, after he had, the next breath he took felt one million times lighter than any he’d taken in the last several weeks.

 

“Really?” was all he could manage, and it was then that Kara released her hold on him and leaned back onto one arm to look at his face. Her smile was soft and tentative, but he could feel the support and love shining through it.

 

“Yes,” was all Kara said. She looked off behind Alex, eyes searching the wall for what to say. “It just...it just seems like you. You know?”

 

Without warning Alex felt tears pouring out of his eyes. He went to bring his hands up to his face to cover them, but Kara caught his hands halfway there and pulled them away. “You’re always handsome, Alex, no matter what your face looks like.”

 

It was then that he lost it. The tears poured out and the sobbing started, everything from the last few days, months, years even, coming out of him and being absorbed by Kara as she held him against her.

 

* * *

 

Alex fell asleep after half an hour of sporadic crying, Kara whispering soft reassurances beside him. Kara kept holding him, watching his face as he drifted off and until he started to wake up again about an hour later.

 

“Hey,” Alex sniffed as he woke up, cracking a more normal grin at her. Kara felt the air settle back into her chest and she smiled warmly back.

 

“Hey, you,” she said quietly, moving just far enough back so that Alex had more space to breath...but not do much more than that.

 

They lay watching each other for a few more minutes before Kara couldn’t contain her question any more.

 

“Do you...want to talk about it?” she asked, worried she’d upset Alex without meaning to.

 

Alex didn’t say anything for a moment, but then nodded. “Yeah. What...can you ask me questions? It’s easier.”

 

Kara nodded quickly, then sat up gently and Alex did the same. Both of them backed up until they were against the headboard, Alex with a pillow smooshed against his front tightly.

 

“So...how do you identity?” Kara asked, mentally scrolling through the pages she’d read online about being trans and pieces of conversation from people around her that her brain's super memory on this Earth had casually retained. 

 

“I...as a trans guy,” Alex mumbled, then shook his head, straightening his back against the headboard, clearing this throat. He nodded to himself and then with more confidence said, “No. I’m a trans guy.”

 

Kara beamed on the inside and smiled gently on the outside. She was so proud.

 

“What pronouns do you want me to use?” she asked next.

 

Alex froze, the words catching in his throat. “Um. I think...maybe. He?”

 

Kara nodded encouragingly, even though on the inside she felt herself get nervous for the first time. This was going to be a big change. And it was a little...weird? Alex had been her sister for so long.

 

There was another part of her, not that far down past the nervous part, though, that meant what she said. It just made _sense_ for Alex. In her - his mannerisms, in how he interacted with people, in how he carried himself.

 

Even farther past that, there was a part of Kara that found it very...attractive.

 

Kara immediately shoved that part farther away and used all of her Kryptonian strength to refocus her energy on her...brother.

 

She felt her face flush with shame at the thought. That’s what he was, after all, even though she was pretty sure now that she’d never felt the familial love for him that she was supposed to be feeling all these years.

 

Alex was saying something, though. Focus Kara.

 

“Is that okay?” Alex looked nervous. Kara mentally slapped herself for not realizing her face must’ve been pulling some sort of weird uncomfortable look at her internal monologue.

 

“Of course! Yes!” she rushed to say, reaching out a reassuring hand to Alex’s knee. “I was just - do you want me to use it just with certain people, or everyone?”

 

Alex nibbled his bottom lip. “I’m not sure.” Shit. He forgot he was going to have to tell Kara that he’d told Winn first...and Maggie.

 

Kara had been weird around Maggie ever since she and Alex had started dating. At first Alex had thought it was just a protective thing, like Kara’s “and I’ve heard ALL about you” to Maggie at the bar the first time she met her. But soon enough, he had realized it was whenever he was with Maggie. Kara was just a little bit less sunny, a little more distant from Alex and a little bit more...nervous.

 

It was weird. Alex didn’t know what to make of it.

 

“Speaking of…” he trailed off, reluctant to finish his thought. With a sigh, he grimaced and then made eye contact with Kara. “I sort of...already told two people. Winn and...Maggie.”

 

Kara tried to keep her face as blank as possible, then realized she needed to look supportive - which was not the same face as blank slate Kara face.

 

“Oh?” was all she managed.

 

“Yeah,” Alex nodded hesitantly. “I...it was really helpful, talking to Winn actually. He was really cool about it and I was really nervous about...telling you. He told me to just do it and you’d love me no matter what, so.”

 

This time Kara didn’t need to worry about her face as it broke into a wide grin. “He’s the best, isn’t he? Alex, I’m really glad you talked to him.”

 

“Thanks,” Alex murmured, a smile breaking through his nerves. “And, I didn’t mean to tell Maggie first! I wanted to talk to you. She just corned me and starting asking all these questions, which is fair because I’ve been sucking as a girlfriend lately, and I didn’t want to hurt her and then I don’t know it just sort of happened, and -”

 

Kara cut Alex’s ramble off with a squeeze to his knee. As soon as Alex had started to babble, Kara had immediately felt guilty for caring that he’d told Maggie first. It didn’t really matter who he told first, after all. This was his life and his secret to share, and all Kara wanted was for him to be happy as himself. He'd told Kara when he was ready and when he felt comfortable. She knew her relationship with Alex was important to him, just like it was to her. Maybe the most important relationship he had. She needed to trust him with that.

 

“It’s okay, Al, really,” Kara pressed, smiling reassuringly.  “I don’t have to ALWAYS come first with you.” As soon as she said it, she wanted to take it back. It immediately sent her towards thoughts of first kisses with girls, first touches, first loves. Things she never would be the first of, for Alex.

 

Alex laughed, almost reluctantly and then shifted his knee so it was closer to Kara and smirked. “Maybe not ALWAYS. Thanks, though. I’m still just trying to figure this all out in my head. It’s...really hard?” He laughed self deprecatingly and then looked up at Kara again, embarrassed. “I’m still not - it feels like it can’t be real, almost.” Kara tipped her head at him. “Like it all must be some big cosmic joke, or something. It’s just a lot.”

 

Kara hummed her consent and then laughed reluctantly. “I know what you mean.” She paused and looked back up at Alex. “I’m proud of you, though.”

 

Alex scoffed and dropped his eyes back to where the pillow was now in his lap. “Why?”

 

Kara shrugged. “For being you.”

 

The air hung heavy in the room while the two of them sat in silence, Alex hearing Kara’s words over and over in his head, Kara listening closely to Alex’s steady heartbeat.

 

After a while, Kara asked in a way she hoped sounded supportive and not intrusive, “So you told Maggie?”

 

Alex nodded slowly at Kara, who stood up momentarily to wrap her cape underneath herself and then sat back down. “And…? What did she say?”

 

“She was...she was really awesome, honestly,” Alex half smiled at the memory. Kara’s smile came easier than she thought it would. She was truly happy that Alex had someone supporting him, even if it was hard sometimes that she wasn’t _the_  person, anymore.  “She was really quick to just - believe me? I wasn’t sure she would.”

 

“I’m really glad,” Kara squeezed Alex’s knee again. “She sounds really wonderful, Alex.”

 

“Yeah,” Alex sighed this time, slouching down a little. “I’m glad I’ll still have her around, even though…”

 

Kara felt her heart stop, just for a moment. “Even though?”

 

The bed creaked as Alex shifted on it, seeming nervous now by the way his eyes roamed the room but wouldn’t settle on Kara. “Even though...we broke up.”

 

Kara literally freezes with her mouth open. “I - What? Why? I thought she took it well?”

 

“She did, but...she doesn’t want to date a man,” Alex shrugged, feeling some heat drift towards his face. It still felt hard to say out loud. “She’s a lesbian.”

 

 _I’m not._ Kara willed herself to keep it together, just until she could get out of the room that suddenly felt like it was closing in on her. “I’m so sorry, Alex.”

 

Alex shook his head quickly. “No. I mean, I’m not. I’m glad, that we decided to do this. It would’ve been confusing...and we’re still friends. I’m really happy to still have that, that’s all I really want right now. From her.” He said the last part much more quietly than the rest. Kara tried not to overanalyze it, but it felt like her breath was caught in her throat.

 

“That’s really good,” she managed to get out, sitting back slightly farther away from Alex, hoping he wouldn't notice.

 

He did, but didn't say anything.

 

It was silent again for a few moments. It felt awkward again, just like it had been off and on with the two of them lately. Alex felt himself start to get angry, for the first time, about how Kara was acting about Maggie. Why did she always freeze up? Did she really hate her that much?

 

Just then, a call came through Alex’s phone. Alex snatched it off his bedside and answered. “Danvers?”

 

Kara used her superhearing to listen in once Alex’s face seemed to signal alien attack.

 

_“Get down here ASAP, and are you with Kara? Bring Supergirl too.”_

 

Hank hung up as Alex confirmed, “Yes, sir.” Alex then turned to Kara to see her already standing up from the bed and heading towards the double doors in the living room.

 

“See you in a few,” Kara replied before taking off in a burst of air. Alex stared at where she had disappeared from before flopping back against the pillows again.

 

What was happening to them?

  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright children....
> 
> full disclosure, I didn't mean to at ALL but I accidentally wrote a Maggie/Alex makeout scene??? it's kind of important, so ready thru if you please but I didn't mean to throw that curveball in there. I mean, it's still pretty hot but...
> 
> anyway, still endgame kalex, but just fyi for anyone who's really not about that life

They managed to contain the alien pretty efficiently, all things considered - Kara had seemed distracted and actually flew into the side of a building at one point. Alex tried to write off the odd behavior to anyone within earshot with a scoff about the sunlight glinting off the building at just the right angle.

 

When she’d finally landed after cuffing the cranky alien and loading him into the back of a DEO van with a few agents, J’onn paused in front of her and Alex wearing a concerned look on his face.

 

“Is something wrong?” he asked, referring to Kara but directing the question at both of them anyway.

 

“No, sir, nothing’s wrong - just ate something...weird...earlier, and…” Kara trailed off aimlessly, wincing simultaneously with Alex as she heard the lie leave her mouth. It was worse than her usual.

 

Alex nodded inconspicuously at J’onn who looked seriously concerned at this point. “See you back at base, sir.”

 

He nodded at her and with one last look at Kara, climbed into the back of the DEO van and then everyone was gone.

 

Alex immediately turned to Kara only to find her about to take off in flight. “Hey! Woah now!”

 

Kara had already started to speed off in a burst of motion, but quickly returned when she heard the tone of Alex’s voice. She remained hovering in the air just to Alex’s left, her waist near Alex’s head. “Yeah?”

 

Alex had to almost physically restrain himself from stomping his foot. “Kara. Are we okay?”

 

The air around Kara seemed to ripple slightly as Kara’s face fell ever so slightly before she nodded twice, quickly.

 

“Yeah, Alex. Everything is fine,” she looked down at Alex. If she had been slightly less focused on acting several times less anxious than she felt, she would’ve seen the insecurity lying beneath his annoyance, usually well hidden to everyone but her.

 

“Yeah. Okay,” Alex shrugged, turning away from her. Kara’s heart hurt.

 

She was so scared of everything she was feeling, and what it could do to them. It was ruining them, already, right here and now.

 

Kara floated down closer to the ground, letting her feet slowly drop back down to the earth. She tapped Alex lightly on the shoulder and watched as he hesitated, but then turned back to face her.

 

“This isn’t about you being trans, okay?” she reached out towards him but at the last minute dropped her arm. “I promise. I’m just...I’m distracted, with work. I forgot with everything going that I have this big thing I’m working on that I just...need to get back to.”

 

It was another terrible lie. It was all she had though, for now, and even though it wasn’t well executed it was entirely plausible. Alex couldn’t call her out on that.

 

How had it come to this? Kara prayed Alex just accepted it, and let her go.

 

He did.

 

“Okay,” Alex deflated slightly as he reached towards Kara this time, pulling her into a hug. Kara clung to him tightly, wanting both but to never let go and also fly as high into the sky  away from him as she could. “I’ll see you later?”

 

Kara murmured a noncommittal response and then with one last smile at Alex, flew up, up and away.

 

Alex couldn’t restrain himself any longer. With a growl of frustration he slammed his boot into the dirt on the side of the road next to where they had been standing. Then, he fished his keys out of his pocket and climbed into his SUV to head back to the DEO.

* * *

 

Instead of heading back to Catco, Kara immediately hung a left and sped off toward Winn’s instead.

 

Now that she thought of it, it was Sunday still. And Alex had let her go back to work. On a Sunday. When she never worked.

 

She smacked herself lightly, setting herself slightly off course for a moment before redirecting. A few minutes later, she found herself at Winn's and paused his window. She could see him sitting on the couch in boxers and a t-shirt, eating a bowl of cereal and watching something that looked like a Marvel movie on TV.

 

Psh. Marvel.

 

Kara waited for another moment in the hopes Winn might turn around (of course he didn't) before rapping loudly on the window.

 

And then shut her eyes immediately, as Winn flew into the air along with his cereal and pillow that the cereal had been balancing on.

 

“I’m...so sorry,” she mumbled sheepishly with a half smile when Winn finally got a grip and got himself over to the window to open it for her.

 

“We’ve TALKED about this,” he grumbled, pulling his wet shirt away from his body as he let her in and then headed back into the apartment. Kara closed the window gently (in other words, with a small slam instead of a loud one) and then danced her way closer to him.

 

“I’m really really sorry?” she shrugged, still wincing slightly. Noticing the donuts on the counter, she grabbed one and quickly shoved it into her mouth as Winn spun around.

 

“Hey! No eating the donuts! No prizes for scaring the shit out of Winn!” he stabbed his finger at her before snatching the box away.

 

Kara’s face fell and he groaned as he handed the whole thing over to her before walking to his room to change.

 

“So what’s the haps, my superfriend?” he called from his room as Kara plopped onto the couch, legs up over the arm of it with the rest of her laying down.

 

“Ugh, Winn,” she called back, her face falling as she stuffed the second donut into her mouth. She swallowed as he walked back in and then placed the donuts next to her on the table. As she wiped her mouth, she sat back up and made space for him to sit.

 

“Only two donuts?” Winn sounded concerned as he checked the box before closing the lid. “What’s going on?”

 

Kara slid further down against the back of the couch. “Everything’s so messed up, Winn.”

 

Winn copied Kara and slid down next to her, folding his hand across his stomach and turning his head to face her, waiting.

 

Kara glanced over at him before sighing and then continuing. “Alex...finally told me.”

 

Winn attempted to keep his face neutral as he asked, “Did...Alex?”

 

Smiling softly, Kara nodded. “Yeah. He did.”

 

Winn’s face froze for a minute before he broke out into a grin back at Kara. “Oh my god. Thank god. The tension was killing me.”

 

Kara laughed and leaned into Winn. “Ahhh. It’s...it’s crazy, sort of. I’m still wrapping my head around it.”

 

“I know,” Winn nodded leaning his head against the top of Kara’s. Then he moved away and tried to look at her face. “What happened though? You don’t seem upset about it but you seem upset in general…”

 

Kara sat back from Winn and straightened up against the couch. “I’m not upset about that! Of course not. He’s my...he’s Alex.” Her face sank, heart in her throat. “That’s...the problem.”

 

Winn was thoroughly confused. “What’s the problem?”

 

Kara felt like she was dying inside. She couldn’t believe she was about to say this out loud.

 

“I -” Kara stopped, then jumped up and sped over to the kitchen sink. For apparently no reason, because she then turned around and leaned back against it. “I-” and stopped again.

 

Winn had just about hit his cap for the week of surprise declarations of surprising things about his favorite Danvers siblings.

 

“You…” he prompted, trying not to sigh as he watched several emotions flicker across Kara’s face at once.

 

“I…” she tried again, then let out a frustrated groan before slamming her hands into the sink behind her.

 

There was a small dent in the metal on either side now.

 

“Oh my god, Kara,” Winn groaned before standing up and walking towards her. “Just...tell me.”

 

Kara glared at him. “You don’t know what I’m about to say! It could be terrible!”

 

Winn shook his head. “No, it won’t be.”

 

“You don’t know!”

 

“Yes...I do.”

 

Kara’s jaw fell slightly open. “You do not.”

 

“I do too.”

 

“Do not.”

 

“Kara!”

 

“Okay!” Kara shuffled her feet and then slumped forward and brought her hands up to let her face fall into them. “Winn. I...Alex. I have...feelings. For..him.”

 

She didn’t dare move her hands from her face, waiting for Winn to respond. It wasn’t until she heard the tell tale signs of a chuckle that her head snapped up to face him. “Winn!”

 

“I’m sorry!” he threw his hands up quickly, backing away slightly with the smile still flickering across his face. “I just...I’m sorry. You’re right. I just wasn’t...wrong at least.”

 

Kara looked shocked. “You did NOT know I was going to say that.”

 

Winn flipped his palms up so that they were facing the air. “I didn’t NOT know you were going to say that…”

 

“How...what...how did you know??” Kara spluttered, trying to fathom what was happening. She was not that obvious. Was she?

 

_ Was she?? _

 

“Am I that obvious?” Kara gasped, face a mixture of being pale but also beet red. Winn was impressed.

 

He also felt like, as much as he wanted to just tell Kara that maybe Alex gave off all the same subtle signs as a smoke signal, that this wasn’t the place or time to do that.

 

He could definitely nudge her in the right direction, though.

 

“No, not exactly,” Winn responded, waving a hand to get Kara to walk with him back to the couch. “I just sort of...you know. You around Maggie.”

 

“Me around Maggie?” Kara tried not to growl at the name, then stopped. Ah, well yes, there was that. “Oh. Shoot.”

 

“Yeah,” Winn grimaced at her.

 

“This is a disaster, Winn,” Kara collapsed back onto the couch, idly flicking at the joysticks on the Xbox controller next to her. Winn delicately plucked it out from next to her with a look of displeasure, and then sat back.

 

“It’s not a disaster, Kara,” he said, then rushed on when Kara turned to glare at him. “It’s not!”

 

“How is it not?” Kara asked, exasperated. “I’m in love with my fucking...brother! Sibling! FUCK.”

 

Winn jumped back slightly at Kara’s outburst. She never swore. Literally. She was a puppy.

 

“Dude, it’s okay,” he tried to reassure her. “It’s not like. I don’t know. From everything you’ve ever told me, it’s been complicated. Forever. You two...are closer than siblings. In ways that just don’t fall into a normal sibling relationship, because it hasn’t been one! You’re an alien with super...everything! And Alex is his own kind of nutcase, in a completely lovable way, but come  _ on. _ ”

 

Kara had stopped coming up with a list of reasons that Winn was wrong the second that he had used “him” for Alex. So casually, without even really thinking about it. It made her want to smile forever.

 

“Yeah,” she breathed out. “Maybe. Yeah.”

 

“You know what I think,” Winn started, and then stopped. “Do you care what I think.”

 

Kara giggled. “Yes, of course you goon.”

 

“Good,” Winn went on. “I think, I  _ think _ this might be another one of those times when you two just need to  _ talk to each other _ .”

 

“Okay, now you’re just talking...no. Winn! No way!” Kara had immediately started shaking her head and didn’t stop until she was finished speaking. “I can’t tell him that!”

 

“Why not?” Winn asked, face betraying nothing.

 

“Because! I can’t! I mean, I just...so that, what, he can think I’m a total weirdo and then everything just keeps being weird?” Kara asked, flailing her hands around. Winn shook his head.

 

“Which is different from if you say nothing, and everything also keeps being weird…?” he asked. Kara deflated.

 

“I just, I can’t even. It would ruin us, Winn,” Kara sounded devastated.

 

“You don’t know that,” Winn tried again, but Kara kept shaking her head. “You don’t! He might even be confused, too!”

 

Kara stopped shaking her head immediately. “...what.”

 

Winn wanted to punch himself. “I’m just...I’m just saying! You don’t know!”

 

“He’s never...he would never...no!! That’s insane! I’m...I’m me! And she- he’s him! I can’t even get his pronouns right! No! Rao,” Kara was working herself into a tizzy, standing up again and swishing around with her cape. She knocked over a lamp. Winn caught it just in time to practically throw it down and try and keep up with her as she stormed around.

 

“Kara! No one is perfect, pronouns, all of this, including how you feel about him is going to take time!” Winn tried to reason with her, catching a few pieces of mail as Kara whisked by them. “And that’s okay!”

 

“He’s Alex, Winn! He dated Maggie! Look at her! And then look at me!” Kara was losing it more and more as she tried to explain herself. Everything felt like it was spinning out of control. There was  _ no _ way that Alex, her Alex...could ever...in a million earth years…

 

Right?

 

Kara stopped mid spin and Winn crashed into her, bouncing off her body and falling to the ground. Kara barely took notice other than to stick out a hand and haul him back up, ruffled and spluttering.

 

“I mean...right? That would be crazy?!” Kara asked, turning to look at Winn now.

 

Winn shook his head at her. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it. I just wouldn’t rule it off the table. Sometimes...I don’t know. She - fuck, he, just looks at you sometimes, Kara.”

 

Kara felt her face warm. She remembered earlier that day, when they were...wrestling, on the bed. The way Alex looked down at her. The way he rolled off her to try and catch his breath.

 

Maybe. Maybe.

 

She would never know unless she asked.

 

“Oh shit, Winn,” Kara’s legs buckled underneath her for a second before she righted herself. “Oh shit, oh shit oh shit.”

 

Winn flapped his hands at her. “Stop that. The swearing. It’s freaking me out.”

 

“Sorry,” Kara mumbled. “What do I do though? Now?”

 

“Well, maybe don’t fly off half cocked and confess your undying devotion,” Winn frowned. “But...maybe think about it, and then later, when you’re ready...talk to him.”

 

Kara let that information sink in. Alex wasn’t with Maggie anymore. They were definitely broken up, he had said so. It had just happened, though. It wasn’t the right time to just...confess.

 

It had been years, though. They’d be doing this possible...thing around each other, for years.

 

Maybe now was just going to have to be good enough.

 

“Okay. Later.” Kara nodded to herself, then turned back to Winn. “Holy shi - oot, Winn. I need to go.”

 

Winn saluted her. “Go get the guy, Kara.”

 

Kara’s smile was excited but terrified, and she saluted him back before taking off out the window, leaving it open behind her.

 

Winn smiled, shaking his head to himself, then walked over, shut the window and poured himself another bowl of cereal.

* * *

 

Alex was fed up.

 

Fed. Up.

 

He had no idea why Kara was acting like a total weirdo in place of his sister, but she was.

 

He couldn’t deal with it anymore. He just couldn’t.

 

Everything had gone fine with the talk, but then, suddenly, she spaced out and lost her shit and Alex was just over it.

 

He was too tired with all of his feelings for her, about her, related to her. It was way too fucking much.

 

So he called Maggie after work. Which, in retrospect, was his first bad choice.

 

His second was drinking a shit ton of whiskey. For several hours. With his ex-girlfriend.

 

Details, Alex.

 

“Dude, your pool is  _ so _ bad right now,” Maggie cackled at him, watching as he shot the cue ball into the hole.

 

For the third time.

 

“Shut up, Maggie,” he grinned at her sloppily, going to lean on the cue stick and almost toppling over before catching himself at the last minute.

 

“Hey, I just call it like I see it,” Maggie giggled this time, holding her hands up in defense. She moved around the table closer to him and leaned into his side. “Let’s just quit while we’re ahead at this point.” She gestured vaguely at the slight scuff in the table she had made when she’d gone to sink her last ball and failed majestically.

 

Alex unconsciously leaned into her warmth and nodded. “Yeah. Okay, good plan.”

 

Maggie took his stick from him and set it down with hers. She turned back, eyes slightly glassy but then moved towards him, reaching out for the lapels on his jacket and pulling him toward her. Alex stumbled slightly but caught himself, letting her pull him closer.

 

“Wanna get out of here?” Maggie asked, the nervousness behind her eyes muted by the alcohol but still there.

 

Alex hesitated, but not for very long.

 

He was so angry and hurt by Kara.

 

Maggie knew where they stood - she had broken up with him. That wasn’t his fault.

 

He didn’t have anything to lose. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.

 

He knew it was wrong, anyway. He did like her, liked making out with her, was comfortable with her. She was beautiful.

 

But she wasn’t who he wanted.

 

Alex nodded anyway.

 

“Yeah,” he said lowly, his stomach twisting pleasantly and unpleasantly. Maggie bit her bottom lip and jerked her head toward the exit.

 

They barely made it outside before her hands were on him.

 

Alex let her shove him up against a wall outside the alien bar, her hands on his arms and mouth on his. He groaned a little as her tongue slipped between his lips and collided with his, the alcohol heightening everything he was feeling even as it dulled his inhibitions.

 

He reached underneath the jacket she was wearing to pull her closer by her hips, the moan she let out at the action making him pull her even tighter against him. He spun her around so that she was against the wall, now, and kissed a line down her cheek to her throat, sucking gently.

 

Maggie moaned again and brought her hands around to his ass, pulling his hips into hers again and Alex jerked involuntarily into her. Maggie started grinding against the leg he had slipped between hers and Alex pulled back to catch his breath, not breaking any contact further down.

 

He made the mistake of looking into Maggie’s face, then, as she opened her eyes in pleasure. In happiness.

 

In love.

 

Alex tried to shake himself out of his thoughts, but to no avail. He tried to focus only on his actions and not the consequences, but then Maggie opened her mouth.

 

“I think...maybe...we could try,” Maggie breathed out against his lips and Alex finally stopped all movement.

 

“What?” he asked, pulling back a little from where their hips had been connected.

 

Maggie held fast to his hips, letting him pull away but not completely.

 

“I want to. Try, with you,” she said, biting her lip again, this time more nervously. “I’m sorry. I know I said I wanted to think, and be apart for a little while. But…I like you, so much, Alex.” She shrugged. “It doesn’t have to mean I’m not...a lesbian, or that I am. But sexuality is fluid. I can be whatever I want. I want to be able to want you.”

 

Alex was immediately beginning to feel more sober at her words. He backed away, pulling more firmly away from Maggie’s grasp. “Maggie. Maggie, shit. I...I can’t.”

 

Maggie’s face fell, only a little, but it was there. “What? How...how come?”

 

Alex kept shaking his head, backing away even more and putting his hands up in front of him. “Maggie. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Alex,” Maggie tried to move closer but Alex only took a step back. “What’s going on? What do you mean.”

 

“Maggie,” Alex felt tears start to fill his eyes and he angrily wiped them away. “I can’t. I loved...I care about you, Maggie. But. I realized it wasn’t just the trans stuff that made me feel like we couldn’t do this, anymore. I...think I like....someone else.”

 

Maggie stopped moving, reaching up to wipe her lips slowly. She didn’t say anything. Alex rambled on.

 

“I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know I was feeling this way. Nothing’s happened. I’ve been so confused, about being gay, and then trans. I loved what we had. I loved you. I never lied about any of that, ever. I promise. You’re amazing. And...yeah, it did hurt me, about you not wanting me because I was trans. I know it shouldn’t. You identified a certain way, and that is so important to you. I understood that. I’m not saying I blame you at all. But I also realized, after it happened, that maybe I couldn’t focus completely on us anymore because I really...I’m confused, about how I feel for someone else.” Alex stopped, finally trying to look at Maggie head on.

 

Maggie had moved back to the wall, leaning hard against it. “I see.”

 

Alex couldn’t stop the tears now. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He collapsed down onto his knees, not caring who saw him at this point. He had hurt her. He had never meant to. He cared so much for Maggie, and all this stupid shit with Kara was ruining everything good in his life.

 

A few seconds later, he felt arms wrap around him from the front and soon the smell of Maggie’s shampoo broke through his still slightly drunken haze. “Hey. It’s okay, Alex. I still love you...even if it can only be as a friend.”

 

Alex clung to her, trying to stop himself from crying and turned to press a kiss to her hair. “I love you too. I’m so, so sorry. You’re one of my favorite people.”

 

Maggie chuckled lowly. “One of your favorite people who you still sometimes make out with, maybe…?”

 

Alex turned to roll his eyes at her but laughed through his tears. “What did I do to deserve you.”

 

Maggie shrugged. “You existed. As you. This other person must not stand a chance.”

 

Alex laughed again and stood up, pulling Maggie back into a tight hug. The two of them stood there until Alex had pulled himself together, and then Maggie lead the way back to her car to take Alex home.

 

Little did they know, a little superhero was already almost back to Winn, face covered in tears and heart heavy after catching the first part of their interaction outside of the bar. Kara had taken off when she heard Maggie gasp at Alex pressing into her, horrified that she’d stayed as long as she had - but she couldn’t tear herself away.

She thought they’d broken up. Had she imagined Alex telling her that?

 

There was no hope for her and Alex now. And yet she still couldn’t stop imagining what it would’ve been like if  _ she _ had been the one Alex was pressing up against the wall, kissing her until she couldn’t stand it anymore.

 

Kara almost slammed into the window she was crying so hard, but caught herself at the last minute and decided to drop down and use the door, for once. She changed quickly behind a dumpster in the alley next to his apartment and then headed instead, full of regret and just wanting to disappear forever.

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so much shorter than my usual! I was having a lot of trouble with this chapter, for some reason. It may not be my best, LOOooots more kalex next chapter! I hope the next one will come more quickly. Thank you for sticking around!!!

When Winn heard the the rapping at his door, he glanced around to try and figure out who was missing.

 

Vasquez, falling half off the couch trying to claw at Lucy for some unknown reason. Check.

 

Lucy, cackling with mirth as she leaned further and further away from Vasquez, holding...ah, yes, the popcorn above her head. Check.

 

James, shaking his head at his ex-girlfriend and pouring himself another tall glass of rum with a side of coke. Check.

 

So who was -

 

“Kara!” Winn exclaimed, surprised and then immediately concerned upon seeing her disheveled state. “What happened! Is Alex okay? Is J’onn okay?” He’d thought they’d dealt with alien situation hours ago, but maybe more had come back for round two. Or new aliens? Or -

 

“Alex,” Kara, who had been keeping it together only by a thread, was suddenly in tears again. She clutched her arms across her body, holding herself tightly. “Alex is with Maggie. Again.”

 

Winn’s mouth fell open, not prepared for the information and dreading how Kara had discovered it. “What! I thought - you said they broke up?”

 

Kara nodded but kept crying, unable to form any more words as the tears ran down her face and her breath caught in her throat.

 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Winn pulled her gently into the apartment and closed the door behind her. The other people in the apartment had fallen silent, Lucy and James moving to stand closer to the door when they realized it was Kara who was there.

 

“Oh, I didn’t...I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had people here,” Kara tried to get out through her sobs. Winn shushed her and Lucy moved to her side. 

 

“Hey, Kara, it’s fine,” Lucy assured her, putting an arm around her and patting her hair softly. “You’re okay.”

 

“No, I’m not,” Kara managed to get out before she suddenly burst into full out crying again, falling to the ground. James moved to reach out to her but Lucy was the one who grabbed her and helped her hit the ground with slightly less force.

 

“Hey, little Danvers,” Lucy shushed her and held Kara’s head against her chest, letting Kara cry against her, clutching at her arm. James circled around to her other side and sat down close to her, setting a large hand on her back to assure her that he was there too. Vasquez wandered closer, eyebrows dipping in concern as she saw just how devastated Kara was.

 

“We’ve got you,” Winn murmured as he too sat down to bend down near them, balancing on the balls of his feet with his hands on his knees.

 

They could figure this out - together.

 

* * *

 

 

Kara was exhausted, even for her, after crying on Winn’s kitchen floor for what she estimated was the length of time it would take to cook a frozen pizza in the oven instead of with heat vision.

 

....It took ages, okay!

 

She was grateful in that moment for James's strong arms and how tall he was as he helped her up off the floor.

 

“Thanks, guys,” Kara said sheepishly as he lead her over to the couch with his arm still around her. Seeing the board games splayed out across the table and cards scattered around the floor, her face quickly turned to one of horror.  “Did I ruin game night??”

 

“No, not at all!” Winn shook his head adamantly, even though obviously, she did a little bit.

 

The dismissive look Kara sent his way was incredibly impressive for her.

 

“What! Okay fine, I mean...maybe put a momentary dent it in,” Winn relented. “Nothing that can’t be solved but some with some game play now!”

 

Kara curled up around a pillow in the corner of the couch, Vasquez plopping down next to her and nudging her gently with a smile. Kara smiled easily back and remembered for not the first time recently just how lucky she was to have friends like these in her life. They still didn't know what was going on - Kara hadn't explained and no one had asked when it became clear she didn't want to talk about it - but they were still there for her all the same.

 

“Okay,” Kara nodded, frowning at the mess in front of her. “What game were you playing, exactly…?”

 

“Well, we hadn’t actually gotten that far,” Lucy frowned at James who held up his hands in defense.

 

“I didn’t do anything! You were the one throwing popcorn everywhere!” James pointed accusatorily at Vasquez who looked shocked at the accusation.

 

“I did nothing,” Vasquez huffed.

 

Kara giggled, and immediately looked around to find the eyes she wanted to share her amusement with.

 

...the eyes of the only person who was usually in the room but currently was not - and who was also the reason Kara was clutching her pillow so hard that the seams were starting to burst in places.

 

Her face fell. Everyone else was too occupied with being petulant children, fortunately, so that Winn was the only one who caught the change in her.

 

“Kara,” he hissed at her, drawing her attention away from the floor without distracting the other party members who were now squabbling about who’s fault it was that Yahtzee and Cards Against Humanity were now mixed into the same box. Kara’s eyes rose to meet his where he was gesturing wildly for her to follow him into the kitchen before she untangled herself from the pillow and followed his lead.

 

“I got some of this from M’gann,” Winn whispered as he pulled out a flask from underneath the kitchen sink.  

 

“And put it with your cleaning supplies…?” Kara quirked an eyebrow at him as her shushed her.

 

“I was just saving it for a special occasion - and didn’t want any of them to accidentally drink it,” Winn jerked his head in the direction of the living room. “They do good work in the field, but certainly don’t have their heads on straight the rest of the time.”

 

Kara chuckled, leaning back next to the sink as Winn headed over to the cabinet for glasses. “I’m really okay, Winn. I’m sorry about when I got here. I don’t know what happened.”

 

Winn came back down to rest on the soles of his feet from where he’d been on tiptoe to get the glasses down.  “Kara.” He moved closer to her, setting the glasses down next to her and reaching out a hand to place on her forearm. “You just went to talk to Alex. About how you feel about him. And he was - I can only assume - doing something most definitely not platonic with his ex.” Kara’s face threatened to crumple again. “Of course you were upset about it.”

 

Kara turned away to face the counter, head tilted away from Winn. “I should just get over it.”

 

Winn uncapped the flask and began pouring Kara a glass. “Kara.”

 

“I should,” Kara shrugged and turned to face Winn with a firm look. “This isn’t going anywhere. He’s my family. It should just stay that way. I should take what I have, and be happy with it.”

 

Winn shook his head, sensing it wasn’t the time to point out how useless it seemed for Kara to try and get over something she’d clearly been feeling for a very long time. He was confused by Alex’s actions, but knew him well enough at this point to know it seemed out of character for him to just go back to something he’d made a firm decision about - like his relationship with Maggie.

 

There had to be something more going on. There just had to be.

 

Especially because if there wasn’t, Winn wasn’t sure Kara was going to be able to handle it.

 

He shook his head again to clear it and made to pass Kara’s glass to her - only to find it empty.

 

Winn raised an eyebrow at the Kryptonian who was doing her best to look innocently around the kitchen like nothing had happened. When his staring became impossible to ignore any longer, she turned wide eyes on him. “What? Weren’t you going to pour me a glass of that…?”

 

“Oh my god,” Winn laughed before reopening the flask to pour some more into the glass. Kara immediately downed it in one gulp, like she’d been doing it all her life as opposed to only the last few months. Winn didn’t hide his slack-jawed expression. _Sure, toooootally fine._

 

“WInn! Kara! Come on!” came a yell from the other room and Kara departed in a flash. Winn picked up his glass along with Kara’s now empty one and followed her back to the living room, shaking his head yet again.

 

* * *

 

An hour later, everyone was on the floor either in tears (both of joy and despair) or tangled up in a heap in the center of the room in a competitive game of Twister.

 

“JESUS LANE, GET OFF ME,” Vasquez squawked from beneath Lucy who was aggressively crushing Vasquez with her, well...ass.

 

“Hey, I’m just playing the game kid,” Lucy smirked as she wiggled her butt more firmly against Vasquez’s back who grunted with the effort of keeping herself upright.

 

Kara was leaning heavily against Winn after tapping out of the game when she’d tipped over one too many times. Multiple people now bore bruises from the Kryptonian drunkenly bowling them over into the chip bowl.

 

“Guys!! You’re doing it wrong! This game is supposed to be a coOPERATIVE game,” Kara giggled as she pushed herself off of Winn’s shoulder to stick her hand into the now desecrated chip bowl.

 

“KARA. You LITERALLY don’t understand the point of this GAME DO YOU!” Vasquez shouted in Kara’s general direction as Lucy gave a particularly aggressive shove with her backside and spent Vasquez sprawling towards the floor.

 

“Winn, do you have more ice?” James winced and then rubbed his bicep again from where Kara had landed on it.

 

Kara giggled.

 

Winn stumbled to his feet. “Yeah, yeah buddy sure, follow me.” James got up and made his way into the kitchen after Winn, and Kara turned her lazy eyes to where Lucy was doing a victory dance which included shaking said ass in Vasquez’s face and whipping her hands around in the air. Kara smiled dreamily towards Lucy. She was a really good dancer.

 

By the way Vasquez was turning colors while she tried to mope from the floor, she seemed to think so too, Kara giggled to herself.

 

Kara was still giggling, apparently more loudly than she thought she had been, when Lucy and Vasquez finally turned around to stare at her.  She only laughed harder and soon the three of them were all in hysterics for no other reason other than alcohol and each other's existence when Winn and James finally reappeared, the former carrying two beers and the latter with an ice pack firmly pressed against his arm. This only made Kara laugh harder, rolling herself up like a burrito in the Twister mat she’d been laying on which sent Vasquez and Lucy into further hysterics as the doorbell rang.

 

James was the one who went to answer it, waving Winn and his beers away as Vasquez tried to untangle Kara from where she was trapped under the table in the mat, still laughing.

 

James was shaking his head with a smile as he trudged to the door and swung it open without looking in the peep hole.

 

“Hey, Alex!” came from the doorway and directly into Kara’s ear. She stopped giggling immediately and had to restrain herself from destroying the mat just to get herself out of it and as far away as possible.

 

“Winn didn’t tell me you were coming,” James smiled and stepped aside, oblivious as always and completely missing the noises and also arm flailing coming from Winn behind him. 

 

“Heyyyyy Alex!” Winn chirped, standing up as straight as possible and putting his hands on his hips, surreptitiously trying to glance over his shoulder at Kara who was now attempting to slither out of the burrito with the help of Vasquez AND Lucy now...and failing miserably.

 

“Hey, Winn,” Alex had a slightly off kilter look to him, like he wasn’t sure what he was doing there now that he was there. Seeing everyone in the room, he scratched awkwardly at his head and turned in a slight circle to take everyone in. “I didn’t realize you would have people over.”

 

“Why does everyone keep saying that,” Winn couldn’t help but mutter to himself, his arms drooping slightly just as James laughed and said, “That’s the same thing Kara said when she -”

 

Lucy, Vasquez and Winn all immediately started making a variety of noises and shushing sounds as Vasquez tried to loudly crinkle the chip bag that had found it’s way over near the bowl, just as Lucy pulled the last of the mat off of Kara who rolled out of it with a _thunk_ into the table and then tried to scramble away.

 

“Kara?” Alex tried to lean around Winn who quickly jumped into his way, but Alex easily dodged him - using only about a one-hundredth of his maneuvering skills from all his years with the DEO. He caught sight of Kara just as she was darting around the couch into the kitchen. “Kara!”

 

Kara froze mid step, one socked foot still on the carpet and the other just grazing the tiles in the kitchen. “Oh...hey Alex.”

 

“Kara, what...you didn’t tell me you were doing...game night,” Alex trailed off, feeling silly for feeling left out of what was often a group tradition.

 

“I wasn’t planning to,” Kara looked everywhere but at Alex, finally coming to rest on James directly behind Alex. “I had told Winn we were probably going to be doing movie night instead.”

 

Alex, if it were possible to feel worse than he already did about the night, immediately felt guilty. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you why I didn’t really respond to your texts…”

 

“Again,” Kara said flatly. She folded her arms across her chest, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

 

“Yeah. Again.” Alex looked down, eyes welling up as he tried to scrunch his face up. He did not want to cry in front of all these people.

 

He just wanted Kara.

 

“I should go,” Alex turned as if to leave but James jumped in front of him before he could make it to the door.

 

“Hee-eeeey, “James awkwardly scratched at his head as he leaned against the door frame. “I...don’t know why I just did that.”

 

“Hey, Alex,” Winn quickly jumped in, gently taking a hold of Alex’s arm and pulling him back around. “KARA.”

 

Kara immediately swore under her breath from where she had been sneaking away again - Lucy gasped - and then came back out of the kitchen and turned to face Winn.

 

“I think you both...need to talk,” Winn gripped as firmly as he dared to Alex’s upper arm, but Alex wasn’t fighting back. He looked resigned as he tried to make eye contact with Kara who was still steadfastly ignoring him.

 

“...Kara?” Alex took a hesitant step towards her, and it was his tone that finally brought Kara out of her funk.

 

When she looked up at Alex, she felt like she was seeing him for the first time in a long time. The look he always reserved only for Kara was there, but it was different tonight.

 

Different. Stronger...terrified.

 

Kara still didn’t understand, after everything that had just happened, but she could never say no to Alex when he needed her.

 

“Yeah. We should...we should talk, Alex,” Kara walked closer and Alex seemed to almost collapse towards her.

 

“You can use my room. It's right down there,” Winn gestured vaguely in the direction Kara had been coming from, and Kara nodded silently as she put a hand gently on Alex’s back and guided him down the hallway.

 

Once they were gone James looked to Winn who looked to Vasquez who looked at Lucy - who simply threw her hands up.

 

“If they don’t figure that shit out, I can’t even,” Lucy sighed dramatically. Vasquez’s nodded aggressively, as did Winn. James nodded as he shut the door but then turned around, head cocked to the side.

 

“Wait, what?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM here it is, two in a weekend damn I must love you all

Once they were in the bedroom, Kara immediately withdrew her hand, suddenly feeling awkward. Alex tried not to be hurt at the loss of contact.

 

“So…” he started, going to sit down on Winn’s bed and then rethinking it, jerking back at the last moment.

 

Kara stayed silent, leaning against Winn’s modest dresser. She vowed not to break or dent any more of his things, this time.

 

Hopefully. It wasn’t looking good though.

 

Alex had just about hit his emotional cap for life, let alone this particular day. He was about to open his mouth to apologize, maybe even beg for Kara’s forgiveness, when he realized - 

 

He had been mad at  _ her. _ She had been the reason he had convinced himself to drown himself in whiskey and make out with freaking Maggie. Alex clenched his eyes shut at the memory.

 

Although those were all his decisions in the end, her behavior that those decisions were a reaction to still didn’t feel okay to him. So why was she acting mad at him, yet again??

 

Finally, he felt like there was something for him to grasp onto in all of this mess. He took it and ran.

 

Kara’s standoffish demeanor quavered ever so slightly under Alex’s suddenly narrowed eyes.

 

“Kara. Why are you acting like this?” he asked, crossing his arms across himself and staring her down the same way he had so many time in their lives when she was trying to hide something from him.

 

“Like what?” Kara tried to ask, but immediately grimaced when Alex’s frown only deepened.

 

“You know like what! This whole…week, day...everything will seem fine, normal - or as normal as it can be right now - and then…” Alex growled, frustrated and ran a hand through his hair. “Suddenly you’re acting all...all…”

 

“Jealous?” Kara’s hands jerked up to cover her mouth as the words tumbled out. In no way, shape or form had she meant for that to come out of her mouth. “I…”

 

Alex had also frozen in place, eyes wide but no other clear reaction showing. “You...what?”

 

“I…” Kara was panicking. She had no idea how to get herself out of this now. This was exactly what Winn had told her  _ not _ to do, and she was blowing it. This wasn’t how she wanted to talk to Alex about how she was feeling. She wanted to stay annoyed, be a little more brave. Be the girl Alex deserved...and who maybe he could actually love back. 

 

Meek, nervous, blurty Kara wasn’t any of those things.

 

“You’re...jealous?” Alex seemed to have trouble saying the world, like it was suddenly a foreign concept to him. “Of what?”

 

Kara’s cheeks were flaming at this point. Seriously, Alex. You couldn’t at least put those pieces together.

 

“Of -” Kara waved her hands around, gesturing at things Alex couldn’t see. “Of - you!” 

 

Alex couldn’t process what Kara had said, even as Kara kept spluttering in front of him. Jealous of...him…?

 

“You...like Maggie,” Alex felt like his world was sliding out of focus as he put two and two together. It all made sense. Kara’s weird behavior around Maggie ever since he started dating her, why she freaked out when he said they’d broken up - because now Kara had a chance with Maggie. 

 

“Wait, what?” Kara had managed to stop her rambling as soon as her brain deciphered what Alex had just said, then said with a scoff, “I don’t like Maggie.”

 

Oh my god, Kara. Pull it together.

 

Alex felt like he was getting whiplash. “You just said you were jealous of me!”

 

Kara spluttered again. “No! I mean, yes! I mean..fuck...of you...and Maggie.”

 

Alex decided not to try and work this one out himself, and instead very impatiently waited for Kara to continue. 

 

When Kara stayed silent, just continued to look at Alex with more fear on her face than he’d ever seen, even when she was fighting monsters, he prompted her with, “Because you want a girlfriend too…?”

 

“Because I like YOU, Alex!” Kara burst out.

 

The world stopped.

 

Alex tipped his head to the side. 

 

Kara wildly tried to figure out if she’d actually said the words out loud.

 

“You. You like...me?” Alex asked hesitantly, working harder than normal to make his mouth form the words. “Like...like in a...way.”

 

Kara burst out with a choked laugh at the word choice, finally feeling like maybe this wasn’t going to end with the end of her and Alex forever. She was still terrified, but nodded. “Yeah, Al. In a...way.”

 

It was a testament to their long and close relationship that she didn’t have to explain it anymore than that.

 

“Holy shit,” Alex breathed out, holding a hand to his head, then reached out a hand to Kara. “Kara, come here.”

 

She didn’t know what to expect as she walked closer to him and put her hand in his. Alex pulled her towards him the second her hand was in his, and she reached up to fiddle with the glasses she’d forgotten she was wearing as he did.

 

Alex kept pulling until Kara was next to him, thigh to thigh, and then let go only to reach down and squeeze her leg. Kara’s breath caught in her throat. 

 

“I…” Alex breathed out a long breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He let go to squeeze his hands together. “I...like you in a way, too.”

 

Kara blinked. And then blinked again. Alex was still there, watching her nervously out of the corner of his eye, like maybe he’d misinterpreted the entire situation.

 

“You...you do?” Kara squeaked, her voice high and unsteady, but her heart was bursting. It didn’t feel real.

 

“I do,” Alex said softly, nodding slowly and smiling at the way Kara’s cheeks were flushed and her eyes were wide; the way her mouth had fallen open ever so slightly and her eyebrows had shot up in surprise. He reached out and finally, finally, touched Kara’s cheek in the way he had wanted to so desperately for so long. Cupping her cheek as she ever so slightly leaned into his touch, he nodded again. “I have, for a while.”

 

Kara tried to steady her hands and then reached up to take Alex’s hand away from her face and into her own. “But…”

 

“I didn’t realize,” Alex shrugged. “I didn’t realize until I was with Maggie, and everything with us seemed off, and finally when she broke up with me...I was relieved, and I couldn’t figure out why. Until I did.”

 

Kara thanked whatever god that was listening that she managed to keep her squeal on the inside instead of piercing Alex’s eardrum and making a bigger fool out of herself than she may already have. “Wow.”

 

“Yeah,” Alex laughed, clenching his fingers into his hand. Kara could feel the tension of the action between her own hands and pulled one away to stroke the back of his hand with her thumb.

 

“Hey, you okay?” Kara asked, concern written all over her face. Alex nodded, but Kara could see the tears in his eyes. “Alex. Please, talk to me.”

 

“I just,” Alex shrugged, trying to wipe at the tears with his shoulder. “I don’t know. Looking back at everything. We’ve always been doing this...thing. And it’s always been so hard. And - mom -” At this point, Alex gave up on trying to wipe the tears away. “Mom is going to hate me.”

 

Alex was just crying now, and he hated himself for it. It felt like he was crying all the time now, with Kara. It didn’t make him feel like the man he wanted to be. He knew it was stupid to think that, that it was just a stupid gender role, but all the same he wanted to be a man in Kara’s life, strong and big and tall like James, or funny and kind like Winn, but a man all the same. 

 

It made him hate himself for not being able to pull that off, even for just a little while, with Kara. 

 

Kara had learned to read Alex better than she could read herself. Now that she wasn’t solely focused on how guilty she felt about her own feelings, she could reacquaint herself with new Alex - who was the same Alex as always, but with a few changes and a lot more feelings than she had ever truly let herself see in him.

 

And so, Kara took Alex into her arms and held him tightly enough that he could breath just enough, but not much more. 

 

“Hey,” she whispered, remembering that even if she wasn’t the perfect Kara that she wanted to be, she could do this for him. “Mom isn’t going to hate you.” Alex let out a quiet sob, and Kara squeezed a fraction of an inch more. “She isn’t. She might be confused, but she might not be. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. You have me, Alex. And you always will.”

 

Alex quietly cried into Kara’s arms and for the first time in a long time, couldn’t imagine ever being anywhere else.

 

 

* * *

 

The lights were off, but even though she stayed awake Kara didn’t dare move to turn them back on after Alex fell asleep.

 

This time, while Alex slept and Kara stroked his hair, watching his face while it got darker around them, Kara thought about what the last few days had really meant.

 

Alex was trans.

 

Above all, even the fact that they both seemed to be feeling...things, for each other, that was the biggest change in their lives. 

 

When Alex had first told her, her immediate reaction was acceptance, and love. That didn’t give her much space to examine how she really felt about it. 

 

It wasn’t that she felt a lot differently than that, but it also wasn’t that simple. 

 

Alex was the same person she’d always known, but at the same time...he wasn’t, anymore. She’d known him as a girl, and a woman. She’d grown up first admiring him, then loving him, as someone who moved and talked and existed like she did. He still would, in certain ways, but in others...not anymore.

 

That did, at least a little ibt, make her sad at her core. It was going to be strange not being able to talk to him about why didn’t this shirt hug her chest the way she wanted, or god, skirts really sucked sometimes didn’t they, but they were worth it! 

 

Kara rolled away from Alex carefully, not disturbing him other than when she moved her arm, he curled into a ball on his side, like he always did when Kara wasn’t cuddling him.

 

She stared up into the ceiling, taking her glasses off to look through the layers and up into the sky. She watched the stars blink, seeing them clearly even through the smog that clouded human vision.

 

Maybe...that was okay, though. It was okay that she was going to miss it. It was also possible that some of those times, when Alex looked just a little less enthused to be talking about boobs, or skirts, or anything that was typical for a cisgendered woman, that maybe he really wasn’t as into the conversation as Kara had thought he was. Maybe some of those moments that seemed like something Kara felt like she was losing, where never really there to begin with.

 

Maybe some of them were, but that just made those moments even more special to remember and hold on to. 

 

This new person, this new Alex, had his own memories of how those moments happened and how he felt about them. What were those like? How did he feel about them? How did he feel now, about his body, about what his life would be like? 

 

Kara hadn’t even had a chance to ask.

 

She rolled back over and wrapped an arm around Alex, scooting his body closer to her at the same time as she moved closer to him. He just sighed in his sleep and rolled backward so that he was on his back, his head resting against Kara’s chest.

 

They would have time to talk. She would have time to ask.

 

A lot was going to change, but Alex loved her. Or, liked her...in a way.

 

Kara giggled quietly, then froze, worried she’d woken Alex up, but he only slumbered on.

 

She had no idea what that meant for them, yet. What being trans meant for Alex, what it would mean for...whatever they might be, tomorrow.

 

Tomorrow, she would worry about that.

 

For now, she just wanted to hold Alex and sleep.


	11. Ch. 10 part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THREE??? WHAT have you all done to deserve this???
> 
> this really is just a continuation of ch. 10, but it didn't feel like it should go directly with that one..or with the next. it's short, but cute. so here you are :)

Alex woke up first, blinking into the sunlight.

 

The sunlight?

 

He pulled away from Kara, blinking furiously against the light that was hitting him directly in the face. It was morning, apparently. 

 

Hadn’t it been night time the last time he was awake?

 

When he turned back to look at Kara, he forgot whatever he had been thinking about previously because good lord, did Kara look beautiful in the sunlight. It was as if the fact that she got her powers from the yellow sun also caused it’s light to enhance her beauty. Alex could never tear his eyes away when she was in it.

 

And if that wasn’t the cheesiest shit he’d ever thought, he would let Kara indefinitely have all the potstickers from now on when they were ordered.

 

It wasn't like he did that already, or anything.

 

“Kara,” he whispered, then seeing it had no effect, said more loudly as he shook her arm. “Kara!”

 

“Mmph,” Kara responded, then kept sleeping like nothing had happened.

 

“KARA.”

 

Nothing.

 

“Kara, there are sticky buns.”

 

With a start, Kara shot up on the bed, blinking into the light for a moment before her vision cleared. “Sticky buns? Where!”

 

“Oh my god,” Alex scoffed, then flopped back onto the bed watching Kara with a look of endearment. “I haven’t had to use that one since high school.”

 

“There are no sticky buns?” Kara asked, face falling and the pout becoming more and more pronounced.

 

“No, you goon,” Alex laughed, pulling her back down to him. “But I’ll get you some. Don’t worry.”

 

“Okay,” Kara mumbled into Alex’s shoulder, squeezing her head into the crook in his neck. She suddenly remembered where she was, why she was there, and what had happened the night before. Stiffening ever so slightly, she leaned back to make eye contact with Alex. “Oh. Right...hi.”

 

Alex didn't even try to hide his chuckle at Kara’s blushing face and sun warmed hair sticking out in a few different directions, but still looking perfect. “Hey.”

 

“Should we…” Kara trailed off, not sure if she wanted to talk right now or not. She just wanted to exist with Alex, like normal, just for a little while.

 

“Later,” Alex agreed silently, making the decision for them both. “Right now...let’s see if there’s food.”

 

“Oh thank goodness,” Kara groaned, rolling away from Alex as he sat up, laughing again. “If Winn doesn’t have donuts…”

 

When they got to the door, Kara pushed her way through excitedly and then stopped short, Alex coming up behind her and crashing into her back with a wince.

 

“Ow, Kara, what the - oh.”

 

James was sound asleep on the couch on his back, snoring with his head tilted back and his arm around...Winn. Winn was half curled up against James, an arm thrown across his chest and drooling lightly on James's shirt.

 

Lucy was on the floor, curled into a ball and using the twister mat as a blanket, the last remnants of the chips scattered across the floor and the bowl overturned near her head. Vasquez happily occupied the arm chair, drinking a cup of what Alex imagined to be coffee and reading the paper.

 

“What...on earth,” Alex droned, just as James stretched and yawned and Winn woke up as the arm was unceremoniously yanked out from behind him.

 

“Oh hey, Kar - WHAt,” Winn yelped, as James made eye contact with him and then screamed. He jerked away into the couch, but with nowhere to go he only ended up upsetting their precarious balance and sent Winn falling off the couch, bumping the bowl solidly into Lucy’s head.

 

“Oh shit,” James managed to get out before Lucy was jerking awake. Seeing Winn sprawled out half on top of her, then the bowl that was still rocking back and forth next to them, she lunged.

 

“Oh my god, Lucy, no!” Kara sprang into action, speeding over and attempting to pull Lucy off of Winn who was, legitimately, starting to cry - but damn was she strong. Kara actually had to use a minute bit of super strength to get them apart, Alex watching and laughing from the background while Vasquez tipped her glasses down her nose to watch the scene unfold with a hidden smile.

 

"What have I done to deserve you all," Alex groaned sarcastically, throwing his head back as Lucy and Winn continued to squabble and Vasquez went back to her paper. James was sitting up now, straightening his shirt and, if Alex wasn't mistaken...blushing.

 

"So...sticky buns, right?" Kara asked hopefully, causing Alex to laugh again - she was holding Lucy by the back of her shirt and Winn firmly by the shoulder to keep him from running away. Her face melted from one of eagerness to a soft one of love as Alex continued to watch her with a smile before she started blushing too. When she distractedly relaxed her grip on Winn he took off, yelling about a shower while Lucy sent daggers towards his back.

"Sticky buns it is," Alex murmed and Kara beamed as Alex tore himself away from the madness to go get his supergirl some breakfast. 

  
  
  
  



	12. Ch. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU all for being so patient and sticking with this story!! I love you all, I love all your comments and questions and thoughts. Some of these comments really keep me going, all of you out there who are figuring things out for yourself or just learning about something you may never have thought about before!
> 
> your comments all make my day. This story has been stuck in my brain for a while but I'm having trouble pulling it out - so thank you for still tuning in, and I hope you all enjoy the update!

Kara was walking near the water, having taken a long detour to get to work to give her time to meander and daydream when her phone startled her out of her thoughts.

 

Ever since game night the week before, Kara had felt like she was walking in a dream. Not much had changed, in some ways. Work was just as crazy, she was still performing her usual Supergirl tasks, and still stopping by Noonan’s too frequently for sticky buns.

 

When Alex wasn’t bringing them to her, that was.

 

Some things felt completely different.

 

Alex had started showing up at Kara’s more frequently since that night, and every time Kara’s heart felt like it would burst.

 

It was the way he would be standing other side of the door, head tilted down so his hair fell across his face, only to look up at Kara through it as she threw the door open.

 

It was how he specifically asked Noonan’s to wrap the sticky buns in foil to keep them fresh and warm for her, even though he knew that Kara could just reheat them in seconds.

 

It was the shy looks that passed between them now, that they silently seemed to both notice but never talked about.

 

And, strangely, Kara was okay with that.

 

She was never someone who really enjoyed keeping things bottled up inside - that was more Alex’s style - even if she often ended up being too nervous to bring up the things she really wanted to talk about. They would eventually spill out, less gracefully than she would ever want them to...and when she least expected them to come out.

 

With Alex, though, even though they weren’t talking about what was going on between them, Kara felt weirdly okay. She felt safe, and like when the time came, they would talk.

 

She wasn’t worried...for the most part. Kara Danvers wasn’t 100% perfect, after all.

 

Just 99.9%.

 

When her phone gave another sudden lurch in her bag, jostling the fabric ever so slightly, Kara let out a tiny squeak and then fished into her bag to grab it.

 

 _Alex!_ It read, the name flashing across the screen

 

Kara’s heart leapt into her throat as she pushed the answer button.

 

“Hey! What’s up!” she could feel herself flushing nervously, (okay, Alex and _his_ perfectness still made her nervous...in a good way.) It was a weird feeling, but not completely unfamiliar. As they’d gotten older and been slightly more out of touch, when Alex did call her, she was always just a little bit thrilled at him calling out of the blue, just to say hey….and also, now there was this whole other, new layer to that excitement, too.

 

“Hey,” Kara could hear Alex smiling through the phone. There was a slightly longer pause then the moment warranted, then Alex spoke again, sounding slightly more nervous. “You at work yet?”

 

“No, not yet,” Kara replied, shaking her head as she jogged up a few steps to get back on track towards work. “What’s going on?”

 

“Nothing! Nothing,” Kara could hear the phone being shuffled around as Alex probably switched ears, something he usually did when he was nervous on the phone. “I just...are you busy? After work?”

 

“Um,” Kara quickly evaluated her mental calendar. “No! I should be out regular late, not Cat Grant on the warpath late. Why?”

 

“Okay, cool, great,” Alex rambled. Kara started biting her lip.

 

“Alex. You’re stressing me out,” she said, more firmly this time. “Did you want to....did you…”

 

“Yes!” Alex burst out from his end. “I mean, yes. I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out...and help me with something.”

 

“Of course,” Kara immediately rushed out. She took a breath and stopped herself from super speeding across a street to get across in the last second before the walk sign changed. “What do you need?”

 

“Well,” Kara could hear the click of the door as Alex shut himself into a room by himself, if the dimming of the sounds of other people through the phone was anything to go by. “I. Maybe. Wanted to go...shopping.”

 

“...shopping?” Kara cocked her head, too focused on deciphering what Alex was saying that she didn’t realize until a few precious seconds too late that the old man she had unintentionally locked eyes with was looking at her strangely. “Why shopping...oh!”

 

Clothes! Alex! Boy clothes? Maybe?

 

“Yeah,” Alex chuckled, still sounding nervous but slightly less so at Kara’s happy exclamation. “I want...more me clothes, I guess.”

 

“Yes!! Totally! Oh my god, Alex, I - wait. Are you - are you sure you don’t want to ask, like...Winn or something?” Kara’s excitement diminished quickly at the thought. “I mean, he’s really probably better at picking out men’s clothes than me, and I know you’ve been getting closer with him and all this stuff…”

 

Kara was thrilled, honestly, that Alex and Winn were getting along more. They were very good friends at this point, honestly. Sometimes, though...she felt a little bit left out. Especially with how much it felt like Alex was confiding in Winn, or had confided in Winn about being trans before even she, Kara, had really known. Not that it was that many times, just the once, if she was being honest, and then he’d come over to talk to Winn that night when game night had happened, but that made sense, honestly, so -

 

“No, Kara, you’re perfect,” Alex cut off Kara’s internal ramble and then laughed into the phone. Kara’s overexcited mind froze at Alex’s words. She stopped stock still on the other side of the sidewalk to blush and then giggle to herself before she kept going, apologizing to passerby that she was holding up. “It’s nice when other people are as excited...as I am. You know?”

 

Kara didn’t, but she also did, and nodded vigorously until she remembered Alex couldn’t see her. “Yes. Yes! I can’t wait!”

 

“Okay, cool. Pick me up at...whenever you’re done? I’ll just be at the DEO, then home if it ends up being past seven.”

 

“Right-o. Love- I mean, see you later, Alex.”

 

“Bye, Kara.”

 

Kara bit her lip again as she hung up with Alex. That was the one other thing. It seemed like the two of them, without discussing it, had decided not to say I love you to the other anymore.

 

Kara hadn’t even realized they had been going out of their way to not say it, at first, but once she’d realized, she felt like until they really talked, it was what she wanted to do. Or not to do. It felt like a different, bigger thing now.

 

It was a feeling she'd realized almost certainly that she had for Alex, but she wanted to make sure they were on the same page before she started throwing things around like _I love you._

 

She was just glad Alex seemed to be avoiding it as well. They were so frequently on the same page about things, without even realizing it. Even if it didn’t seem like it at first.

 

God, she loved him so much.

 

With a little shake to herself to get back into the Catco groove, Kara picked up the pace and ducked into Noonan’s to grab Cat’s coffee before she headed, finally, into work.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Winn!” Kara called as she rushed into Catco, clutching Cat’s coffee and whisking by him to drop it off before reappearing. “How are you!”

 

“Hey, sunshine,” Winn replied with a grin, watching Kara’s non-stop smile as she flitted around her desk, straightening her pencil cup, organizing a few papers before popping open her laptop and typing cheerfully. “Wow. So much sunshine this morning.”

 

“Yeah,” Kara looked up, grinning over the top of her screen. “It’s a...sunshiny morning!”

 

“Oh my lord,” Winn muttered, but he kept grinning himself as he continued to look over at her. “Sticky buns?”

 

“Nope, not even,” Kara replied, the “p” making a _pop_ sound as she rolled over lips over it. “Just...stuff.”

 

“Stuff, okay,” Winn rolled his eyes and finally turned away, twirling his pencil as he went. “Alex stuff?”

 

“Just! Stuff!” Kara called back, but Winn could practically feel her blush radiating heat off her face as he turned back for a moment to check - yup, blush in full force - before turning away again.

 

“Okay, sparkle pants,” he called back, then quickly dropped his voice as Cat swooped out of her office, frowning at him as she passed by.

 

“No one calls Kara names other than me, got it Mr. Schlott?” she whispered aggressively as him as she continued on her way, then more loudly: “Isn’t that right, Kiera?”

 

“Yes, Ms. Grant!” Kara called back, knowing Cat hadn’t meant for her to hear the first part of her words but still having heard the first bit with her super hearing. She tried to restrain a simultaneous giggle and choke of horror at the same time. “ _Sorry, Winn._ ”

 

“Don’t worry, the fault is _always_ all mine,” Winn muttered, then got back to the work he hadn’t been doing for the past half an hour before Cat could find any other reason to squawk at him.

 

* * *

 

When Alex collapsed onto his couch later that night, he allowed himself a few moments of exhaustion before his brain kicked back into over drive.

 

It was the first time all day that he’d really allowed himself to think about what he was about to do.

 

For the first time in his life, he was going to buy clothes that he truly felt like he wanted.

 

Sure, he’d felt excited about going shopping before - there were his days back as a tween girl when the idea of going shopping with his friends was thrilling and exciting, but he’d never been excited about the clothes themselves, per say - this time, things were different. He didn’t want the clothes to fit in, or look like how he thought he should look - he was excited because these were clothes he felt like he would enjoy wearing.

 

The thought was as bizarre as it was to think that, maybe, he could also wear something specifically  _for_ Kara.

 

It wasn’t like he hadn't thought about Kara noticing how he dressed or looked, but his brain had never let him go that extra inch further - he’d never let himself consciously think about wearing something intentionally because of her.  For her to notice.

 

For Kara to maybe think he looked...hot, in.

 

He’d never dared to dream that maybe, this whole time, when he was watching her, she was watching him the same way.

 

Alex jerked up on the couch slightly, feeling the sudden warmness across his face and in his chest - he jumped up and shook himself again to stop the sensation from travelling any further than it already had.

 

Just then, a knock sounded at the door.

 

“Coming!” Alex yelped, then practically ran to the door and trying to take a breath to steady himself before swinging it open.

 

Alex forgot any composure he’d had when he found Kara waiting outside his door with her arms full.  She was smiling sheepishly at him, and he could tell if she didn’t have both hands already occupied, she would be fidgeting with her glasses.

 

“Hey,” Kara greeted him with a smile, before shrugging with one shoulder and holding the tray that she was carrying further out in front of her.

 

“What - what are these?” Alex tried to remember how to form words. Kara was wearing a pair of (form fitting, he tried desperately not to note) jeans and a green cardigan that hung loosely over the gray shirt she was wearing underneath. Her hair was up in a ponytail that wasn’t quite as aggressive as it could be sometimes when she went to Catco, and she had a brown purse hanging casually over her shoulder.

 

There was nothing remarkable about what she was wearing or how she looked, but Alex had a sudden, unexpected rush of affection that he couldn’t quite hold back as he leaned forward quickly to peck Kara on the cheek.

 

“Hi,” Alex cut off the answer to his initial question that had been on the tip of Kara’s tongue, face warming as he stepped back. He watched Kara’s face freeze at the action, mouth open and eyes on his before her face broke into another brilliant, happily nervous smile.

 

“Hi,” she echoed him, then repeated her gesture with the tray. “They’re for you!”

 

Alex met her smile with a small, equally happy one of his own before taking the tray from her outstretched arms and then looking down.

 

In the tray there were twelve perfectly frosted cupcakes. Each was white in the middle with pink stripes on each side of the white stripe, and blue ones on the outer most sides of the pink. Alex paused for a minute, cocking his head to one side, before the light bulb went off.

 

They were decorated like the trans pride flag.

 

“They’re...it’s...flag?” was all his brain could get out. Kara’s nervous expression stayed on her face as she nodded, trying to sound cheery as she responded.

 

“Yeah! I just...I thought...happy coming out, Alex,” she said the last part more quietly, but more firmly than the rest of it.

 

Alex thought his heart might fall right out of his chest.

 

“I...you...oh my god,” he let the tray fall from his hands without thinking as he dove at Kara to wrap his arms around her. He could smell her all around him with his face tucked into the side of her head. Not long after that could hear her, too, giggling slightly behind his ears.

 

“Alex, I made you cupcakes and you just throw them on the floor?” Kara laughed, clearly not upset as Alex jerked back.

 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I -” he stopped suddenly when he realized Kara was still grinning at him cheekily, her right hand steadily holding the tray next to her. “You jerk.”

 

Kara laughed out loud at the _whack_ that sounded on her chest when Alex smacked her before wincing to himself as he shook his hand out slightly. Without thinking, she reached out to touch his arm lightly as she said, “You love me.”

 

Both of them made sudden eye contact at Kara’s words, Kara terrified she’d unintentionally overstepped the unspoken line they’d drawn until Alex looked away, grabbing the cupcakes and heading over to the kitchen with a slight swagger to his step.

 

“Yeah, I guess,” he sing-songed as he disappeared around the corner. “Did you want one? I’m eating them all as we speak.”

 

“Hey!” Kara burst out, knowing it wasn’t true (Alex literally could not eat that many cupcakes in one sitting, unlike Kara) but still nervous all the same.

 

They were cupcakes, god damn it!!

 

* * *

 

The night had been a success.

 

Alex had requested J.Crew, please, and Kara had whisked them off to one, sneakily, before it got too late and the store had closed. Luckily for them, because it was so late there had been no one around and Alex had picked out a dozen outfits, along with some miscellaneous shirts and pants. Kara had contributed by throwing things over the dressing room door at random and yelling for Alex to _come out, please_ which then sent her into fits of laughter and caused Alex to yelp at her hopelessly while secretly loving every minute of it.

 

On the way out, Kara threw a pack of boxer briefs into Alex’s arms right before they got up to the register. Alex flushed and turned to glare at Kara, but she had already looked away and was humming to herself as she wandered over to the nail polish. The person at the register looked bored and tired, and didn’t even blink as he rang the boxers up first.

 

Alex hugged Kara extra tightly as she launched them into the air with all three of Alex’s bags tucked under her arm, just for giving him that extra little push to get something he would’ve been too scared to pick out on his own.

 

* * *

 

As they settled onto Alex’s bed with Alex sprawled across the end, arms and legs outstretched and Kara against his multitude of pillows, Kara sighed happily while watching Alex.

 

He looked so happy. Not just happy, but relaxed, and more confident than she’d seen him look in a long time.

 

He looked the way he looked when he was trying to explain something sciency to Kara that she had no interest in but loved him for, or when he was giving orders at the DEO - but better.

 

He looked like himself, in a way that Kara had never realized he hadn’t before.

 

“Hey,” Alex rolled onto one side, and Kara slowly blinked out of her thoughts. “I just wanted to say thank you.”

 

“Alex,” Kara started to scoff, but Alex cut her off with a hand.

 

“No, I really do,” he shrugged the shoulder not propping himself up. “I honestly...I could’ve, maybe, done this one day without you, but I really couldn’t say that for sure. You’ve been really wonderful, about everything, not even just this...but in general. And I feel really proud, and lucky to have you in my life.”

 

Kara’s eyes had started to tear up at “wonderful,” and a few words later she was simply letting the tears quietly run down her face. She reached out with a warm smile and Alex grabbed a hold of her hand, tensing up so that she could more easily pull his body fully up to hers before he flopped against her side. “Alex. I so, so appreciate that. But you’re amazing, and you have always had this in you. You can do anything, even without me.”

 

“I don’t want to, though,” Alex mumbled against her shoulder, and Kara tried to suck in a breath at the magnitude of the moment.

 

“Good,” she laughed with a sniffle, and Alex clutched her tighter.

 

“Hey,” he said again after a few moments of running his fingers across the palm of her hand. “Can I take you out to dinner...to say thank you?”

 

Kara heard his heart speed up, just a little, after he asked the question and she crinkled her forehead for just a moment as she tried to interpret what that meant.

 

To dinner? Like... a date?!

 

But he had said it was to say thank you. And they always went out to dinner.

 

Kara suddenly realized she _did_ wish they’d talked about this, this thing between them, more than they had so far... because she had no idea what Alex meant, and she desperately wanted to.

 

It was okay. They could take things slow. Dinner was just dinner. It didn’t need to be a date, if Alex didn’t want to yet. Kara could live with that.

 

“Yes, of course,” Kara nodded, feeling Alex relax against her. “Even though I already said you didn’t need to thank me! It can be a coming out/new clothes/new Alex dinner, okay?”

 

“Whatever you want, Kar,” Alex murmured, and Kara listened to hear Alex’s heart beat slow back down, even to slightly slower than it had been before.

 

“I can’t wait,” Kara responded back, closing her eyes and keeping the _thump, thump, thump_ of Alex’s heart in the back of consciousness as she let herself fall into sleep.

  


	13. Ch. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOP here's another! 
> 
> Also, should've said 80000000 years ago that this is un beta'd...all mistakes are mine! The characters are not, but they're gr8 and I love them thank you for letting me borrow them *hear eyes*

 

Kara paced back and forth in front of the mirror for what was probably the hundredth time in the last hour.

 

She was trying to get herself dressed for her date - no, not date, dinner, just dinner - with Alex.

 

“GOD, why is everything PINK,” Kara growled, throwing yet another sweater to the ground. What was she thinking, a sweater, for dinner??

 

“Okay, Kara, maybe….take a breath,” Winn had his hands up defensively, even though the sweater hadn’t been aimed at him. You never knew with these unpredictable Kryptonians. “It’s just Alex.”

 

Kara froze in place, facing away from him, then slowly rotated on the spot towards him.

 

Winn cringed in terror. Okay, wrong thing to say.

 

“JUST Alex?” Kara took a delicate step forwards, placing her foot down carefully next to the sweater where it had been discarded. “JUST ALEX, Winn?”

 

“No! Not just, Alex...just...it’s just Alex?” Winn screamed as Kara lunged at him, shoving him sideways onto the bed and into a pillow before she growled and stalked off again. “I just saw my life flash before my eyes.”

 

“And you think I’m being dramatic,” Kara huffed, heading back over to her hangers and frantically shoving them to the side as she looked for something that didn’t seem to exist. “He’ll be here any minute!”

 

Winn sat back up gingerly, running a hand through his hair as if to put it back into place. “Okay. No, you know what. Stop for a second and come here.”

 

Kara’s shoulders slumped as she relented, dropping the two new dresses she had been holding and walking slowly back to Winn, adjusting her glasses as she went.

 

“You know,” Winn patted the spot next to him and Kara sat down with a _fwump_. “The first thing I noticed about you, after I almost fell on my face when you smiled a me, and after you said hello and I choked on my tongue, was your clothes.” Kara was smiling fondly at him at this point, so he continued. “They just...work, for you. They’re outfits that, when I see someone on the street wearing something similar, make me think, that’s Kara Danvers right there.”

 

“I’m not always sunny, you know,” Kara murmured, studying the blanket, but her cheeks were pink.

 

“I know,” Winn shrugged. “And that’s okay, too. You also just have sweaters and jeans, and the occasional pair of dress pants. Any of those things, Alex will love. Because they’re just, they’re you.”

 

“I know,” Kara said, a slight strain to her voice. “I know they’re me. I _like_ my me clothes. But, tonight...I didn’t want to be just me. I wanted to be...a different me.”

 

Winn narrowed his eyes slightly, trying to decipher her meaning.

 

“Like...I know I’m me, I mean, I know Alex knows who I am, and likes who I am. But I wanted, even if this isn’t anything more than dinner for Alex tonight...I wanted this to feel special, for me. I wanted to look...special, for Alex,” Kara cheeks were rosy again, and Winn’s eyebrows went up.

 

“Ah, I see,” Winn murmured, nodding knowingly. “Well. In that case.” He picked up his phone, Kara looking alarmed. “Don’t worry! Hey, Vasquez?”

 

“What are you doing?” Kara hissed, trying to swipe at the phone but Winn batted her away.

 

“Hey! You know that dress, the one I was working on, ...no, not that one, that’s for like, a presidential dinner. Yeah! The other one, the blue one. Yes! Perfect. Can you have it waiting in like...one minute? Thanks, okay bye,” Winn hung up, Kara still staring at him. “Can you fly yourself to the DEO, right quick?”

 

“What the f-” Kara stopped speaking as the doorbell rang.

 

“Right quick, I said!” Winn hissed, swatting at her leg. Kara spluttered for a moment before finally groaning at him and disappearing out the window.

 

“Uh...just a minute!” Winn yelled at the door, rushing around throwing things around to make it sound like they were doing...something that required keeping Alex outside for two minutes. He groaned when the banging on the door started, and after another thirty second headed over and whipped the door open. “Alex! Hi!”

 

“Hey, Winn,” Alex eyed him suspiciously as he stalked into the room, looking around the apartment. “Where’s Kara?”

 

“Kara? Is...around,” Winn scratched his head, still holding the door open.

 

“Uh huh,” Alex searched the room for another moment, before deflating. “She bailed, didn’t she.”

 

“What? No, of course not!” Winn shut the door and followed Alex over to the table, where he was slumping down already. “Why would you think that!”

 

“I don’t know, because I thought things were going really well, even if they weren’t, you know, _going_ anywhere, per say, but I thought she was okay with that. Maybe it wasn’t that, maybe it was finally the whole trans thing, ah fuck, what have I done -” Alex was about to take a breath and keep going, but there was a sudden gust of wind and then Kara was there.

 

“Hi! I’m here!” Kara rushed out, having disappeared behind a corner for a second after she landed, but was back, trying not to fidget with the dress she now had on.

 

Alex’s mouth immediately fell open before he quickly closed it, standing up. “Uh - wow, hi, Kara.”

 

Kara was wearing a sapphire, just above the knee, formfitting dress. The sleeves hit her mid-bicep, so when she went to fidget with her glasses, all Alex could watch was the way the muscles rolled under her sleeve. The neck was a scoop neck, low enough that it was a little out of the norm for Kara, but high enough that it wasn’t too far out of her comfort zone.

 

And, of course, it was made of a material similar, but much softer, to her Supergirl costume...just in case.

 

Alex tried to shake himself out of it, tried to move towards Kara… but if he thought he was the only one having trouble processing, he was wrong.

 

As soon as Kara looked up to smile nervously at Alex, her eyes widened and she, too, tried to pick her jaw up from the floor.

 

Alex was wearing a new, dark maroon button down. He’d cuffed the sleeves mid forearm, and had tucked the shirt into the top of a new pair of black men’s khakis. The outfit was topped off with a belt and new pair of men's dress shoes, and as Kara continued to stare, he took off the beanie she hadn’t noticed at first...and then there was the hair.

 

Alex tried not to touch it as he watched Kara’s wide eyes study it, stepping forward towards him. It was short, just long enough on the sides that you couldn't see skin, and slightly longer on the top than the sides. It was spiked, just a little, so that it stood up messily in spots all over the top of his head. The gel seemed to have kept it where he wanted it, he thought anxiously, as he tried not to let his eye roam across Kara too much as she came closer.

 

“Oh my god,” Kara breathed out, reaching out to touch it, just enough to feel the spikes against her hair. “You...I love it!”

 

“Really?” Alex exhaled shakily, letting himself relax slightly.

 

“Yeah…you look, really, really good,” Kara murmured, suddenly remembering Winn was there too.

 

“And I’ll leave you two to it,” Winn saluted them both, grabbing his sweatshirt off the back of a chair as he headed towards the door.

 

“Thank you so much, Winn!” Kara called as he reached the door, before she gestured to the dress. “This...is perfect.”

 

“Love you, kid,” he grinned at her, then left the apartment with a soft click of the door.

 

“Well…” Alex trailed off, his grin threatening to break across his face uncontrollably. “Shall we?”

 

“Yes,” Kara nodded, stepping forward to grab her purse off another chair.

 

Alex held out his arm to let Kara go first. She ducked her head as she passed him, before reaching back for his hand. He took it, and then nervously they headed out the door together.

 

* * *

 

By the time they arrived at the restaurant, Kara had worked herself up into an even more of a dizzy than she had been previously. The car ride itself had been quieter than usual, but not quiet enough that she had felt like she could say anything about it. Alex had made small talk and Kara had murmured answers here and there. She knew she was acting strangely, which only made her more anxious about the whole thing because if she could tell, then Alex would _definitely_ be able to tell, too.

 

She gulped as Alex practically sprinted around the car to get to her side and swung the door open with what appeared to be an unintentional flourish, if his suddenly flushed face and slight grimace were anything to go by.

 

Kara was smiling before she could even process it at Alex’s embarrassed smile at himself and hesitant gesture for her to get out of the car. The combination of that with the hair and the clothes - there was something else, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it - that had Kara taking a deep breath and putting one foot in front of the other.

 

As soon as she door was shut behind her, Alex was at her side, holding out his arm. “Shall we?”

 

 _This feels like a date, this feels like a date_ , Kara’s brain chanted, but she shoved the thoughts aside and took his arm like they did this all the time (sometimes, they did, but tonight it felt...more significant, somehow.)

 

“Yes,” Kara bobbed her head in agreement, and they stepped up to the hostess who smiled at them.

 

“Hi, reservation for two under Danvers?” Kara could feel Alex shift from foot to foot next to her, the only sign that he, possibly, was as nervous as she was.

 

“Sure, right this way!” the woman smiled brightly at them and lead the way to a table slightly off to the side, away from the main dining room. Kara had never been to this restaurant before - Alex hadn’t told her where they were going, just said it had always been somewhere he’d really liked, but never got to go to enough.

 

It was nicer than Kara had expected; she was glad Winn had practically kicked her out the window to get the dress. She now smoothed it under herself as she sat down, smiling and thanking the hostess as she handed both her and Alex menus.

 

“No problem, your server will be right over!” she smiled back directly at Kara before turning to glance at Alex, eyeing him for a moment longer than Kara liked. She felt the hair on the back of her neck prickle, but then the woman’s grin softened and she spoke again as she went to walk away. “By the way, you two are very cute together.”

 

“We’re not…!” Kara started to say just as Alex managed to garble out a quick, high pitched, “Thanks!”

 

Kara blushed and turned back to Alex, who was blushing about as dark as he could without being the same color as his shirt.

 

His...shirt?

 

Kara finally realized what had been throwing her off, just a little.  Alex had been wearing his leather jacket, like always, when he’d come to pick her up. Now that it was off, she could tell that his chest...looked different.

 

Flatter?

 

Definitely flatter. Almost not really visible at all, with the way his shirt hung slightly looser than his button downs had in the past.

 

Kara eyed him more closely as he opened his menu, eyes immediately glued to the page. Despite the nervousness he’d shown before, his posture was different. He was sitting up straighter, his shoulders were back more, which was probably what had been making his lack of chest more noticeable, too.

 

Someone clearing their throat caught Kara’s attention and she jerked her eyes back up to Alex’s face, catching him squinting at her and smirking slightly.

 

“Yes?” he asked, and she made a face at him, even though she suddenly realized how hot she felt around the collar of her dress.

 

“Nothing,” she muttered, picking up her own menu and trying to pretend like she hadn’t been checking him out.

 

Because she definitely hadn’t been. No sirree.

 

Kara eyed the menu, eyes combing through the several pages of it. How would she decide?? There were so many options, and so many good ones, how did Alex expect to her to just pick one, or two, or she could probably get away with ordering three things if she told the waitress they were splitting things, or -

 

A gentle kick to her shin that turned into a foot pressing gently on her leg yanked her out of her thoughts again.

 

“I knew you’d want to order everything so….since I’ve been here before, I picked out a few things you might like best? Just to make it a little easier...then you’ll only have five to pick from, and you can order three,” Alex let the side of his foot press more firmly against her calf as he avoided her eyes again, biting his lip. He finally looked up, the pressure that had been making her start to fidget disappearing suddenly.

 

“Um,” Kara tried to regain her composure, thinking about fanning herself with the menu but restraining. “Thanks, Al.”

 

Alex shrugged, seeming to feign a nonchalance that was undercut by the way he looked back up at her and then quickly looked away again with a shy smile.

 

Kara was not going to make it through this dinner, she thought wildly, and they hadn’t even ordered yet.

 

“Hey, Al?” Kara asked as Alex went to turn the menu to her to show her his thoughts. She had had two things on her mind, but had decided to ask the easier question...or so she thought. “Why have you been here so often, but I’d never been with you?”

 

She was genuinely confused. She thought she’d been to all of Alex’s favorite places! And this one was so fancy.

 

“Ummm…” Alex drew out the word as he set down his menu, drumming his fingers on the table in front of him, then fiddling with the napkin instead before setting his hands down in his lap and folding them tightly. “I…”

 

Kara waited, feeling the panic starting to set in. Oh god. What if it had been because he’d come here with Maggie. Why would Alex bring Kara to a place he used to go with Maggie?? I mean, not that they were a THING like he and Maggie had been, or anything, because they weren’t, but they could be, but...oh my god.

 

Kara kept waiting, chewing on the inside of her cheek until Alex sighed again dramatically and then made eye contact.

 

“I came here, I used to...sometimes when I’d date guys, I would come here with them,” Alex was scrunching up his face, like it was physically painful for him to recall. “I just - I always loved it here, and  at first it was just a place I knew I’d like, so even when everything else felt like a disaster about the date, I would at least be somewhere that was on my ground. You know?”

 

Kara just nodded, wanting terribly to reach across the table and take Alex’s hand in hers, but not yet.

 

Not yet, not yet, not yet.

 

“And so, I guess...I’m sorry, if that ruins this, or something,” Alex seemed flustered now, like he was worried Kara would suddenly hate the restaurant or the night because of his initial omission about why he'd picked it. “I just, I always really wanted to come here with someone I _actually_ liked, because it’s my favorite place, but it just was never what I imagined, with those guys.”

 

Kara was trying so hard not to just lunge across the table and hug Alex for all he was worth...and maybe kiss him, too.

 

“No, Alex! That’s...I...I just, why me? Why not Maggie, I mean...why me, when you could've...with her, ” she finished lamely, twisting the napkin in her hands, too, until she realized she could hear the ever so slight tearing of it as it started to wrip. She set it aside, staring down at it, hearing the blood rush around in her ears.

 

Suddenly there was a soft hand on hers, and she looked up to find Alex watching her closely.

 

“Because,” he started, then laughed and squeezed her hand. “Because Maggie wasn’t you, Kara!”

 

Kara watched him, not quite believing it, even after all they’d talked about. She couldn’t. She couldn’t until Alex was really, really clear. She shakily reached out for her glass of water.

 

“I - yeah? But I’m still just...I’m just Kara,” she finished lamely, hating herself in that moment for not being able to just say what she meant. For being confused, for not being more than _just Kara._

 

“Kara,” Alex squeezed her hand again, and when she looked up he was staring her straight in the eye. Never wavering, always there, holding her in place on this planet that still was so foreign to her sometimes. “You _are_ just Kara. And that makes you perfect. _Just_ Kara...you’re my everything.”

 

Kara was suddenly sputtering, literally, as all the water she’d tried to drink a moment earlier was suddenly in her windpipe.

 

“Oh my GOD,” Alex jolted forwards in his seat, which jostled the table so that suddenly Kara’s water was heading for her lap. Kara flung her arm out with super speed, sending the glass smashing into the wall directly to their left.

 

“Umm…” Kara trailed off, wincing and looking around to see that half of the dining room had fallen silent to turn to the two of them. After a moment that felt like forever, everyone started to go back to their food,  and someone different than their hostess was headed in their direction now. Alex looked less concerned now and more like he wanted to die on the spot. “At least the dress is still dry…?”

 

“The dress is impenetrable Kara, I’m sure it would’ve survived some water,” Alex muttered, letting his face fall into his hand.

 

“You knew about this dress too??” Kara hissed as the woman came closer, holding napkins and looking concerned...probably about the glass that was now completely shattered on the ground next to them.

 

“I mean, sort of!” Alex hissed back, picking his head up and having the decency to look slightly mollified and now embarrassed. “I just gave Winn a general idea of what you might like, or something, I don’t know, and blue looks nice on you...or something!!”

 

“Alex Danvers,” Kara whispered at him, now that the moment was over and his words were sinking in she felt...more confident.  Alex...she was pretty sure Alex had just called her his everything. “You had ulterior motives. You picked something you thought I’d look hot in.”

 

“I never said!” Alex slammed his hand down, cheeks definitely pink now, and sent a lonely fork flying towards...Courtney, Kara was pretty sure the woman had just been introducing herself before the fork bounced off her hip.

 

“Hi, I’m so sorry, he’s such a klutz,” Kara smiled beautifully at the woman who momentarily seemed to lose her train of thought at Kara’s attention.

 

“Hey!” Alex burst out, and Kara couldn’t help but laugh at the look of horror that had crossed his face at her innocent flirting with the girl.

 

“Can I please get these first three things - and maybe an extra basket of rolls? I’m so sorry, I’ll clean that right up,” Kara kept smiling, taking the napkins from the waitress who seemed to have forgotten how to talk and just nodded at Kara, starting to jot down the items.

 

“I’ll get it!” Alex again lunged up from the table, bumping it gently this time and managing to keep it steady - Kara had bent down _just_ so, so that her dress pulled a little bit more tightly in...certain places, and she let out a full belly laugh at the flustered look on Alex’s face as she allowed him to take over from her.

 

“Oh, no, I’ll get that for you,” the waitress suddenly seemed to come to her senses and realized having patrons clean up glass probably wasn't in her best interest.

 

Kara pursed her lips delicately, trying to hide her smile as as the woman took over and Alex re-seated himself.

 

“You’re evil,” he was starting to grin now too, face still flushed pleasantly.

 

“No, I’m not,” Kara grinned back. “I can't be - I'm Supergirl.”

 

Alex burst out laughing at that, the tension broken, and Kara steeled herself before she grabbed Alex’s hand this time and let herself laugh back, still nervous, but so much more excitedly so than before.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, I love your comments, I live for them!!!! lemme know what you think!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here we GO....this is the second to last chapter kids, I hope you enjoy!

When they left dinner that night, Kara felt like she was on cloud nine.

 

How could this be her life right now?

 

When she and Alex had arrived at dinner that night, she’d thought it was going to be a total disaster that ended up with her flying out of sight at the most immediate moment possible.

 

Now, she was walking out of one of the fanciest restaurants she’d ever been to, holding Alex’s hand at the end of what she was pretty positive at this point, had been a DATE.

 

She still wanted to fly out of sight as soon as possible, but only so that she could squeal uncontrollably and not have Alex hear it.

 

As that was not currently feasible, Kara allowed herself a three second squeal just as Alex shut her door to dash around the car and ended it just as he opened his own door on the other side.

 

“Hey,” he said again, smiling the same cheeky grin he’d always given her when they were together, just being silly and themselves; the same grin that had stolen her breath away the first time it was turned her way all those years ago.

 

“Hey,” she shot back, feeling breathless even though with all the door holding and opening, she’d put in less effort than normal. Which reminded her -

 

“So, I was thinking, maybe...we could go back to my place?” Alex was saying as he buckled, nervously running a hand through his hair just as Kara reached out and rested a hand on his arm to slow his movements. She froze, eyes widening ever so slightly at his words which caused him to start to ramble again, but she cut him off.

 

“Wait,” she laughed a little, squeezing his arm as he fell silent again. “I just wanted to say. And I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, because I really like...chivalrous you.” Alex nibbled his lip nervously at this, and Kara had to remind herself to focus, just for a minute. “But I love regular you, too, who sometimes holds doors for me just because you can, or pulls out my chair because you feel like it. I like that you the best. You don’t always need to feel like you have to do it. Just because things are a little different now, you know?”

 

Kara worried her hand over the hem of her dress, looking down to watch the movement as she waited for Alex to respond. After a minute, he responded by taking the hand that still held his arm between his and then squeezing gently.

 

“Okay,” he said quietly, and when she looked up, expecting annoyance or hurt, he was just grinning at her sheepishly. “I sort of knew that, but my overachieving self took over and just told me to do it. I mean...I tend to go all out, when I do something. You know me.”

 

Kara laughed softly, and then took her hand away to reach up and touch his cheek before reaching for his hair. She hesitated. “Can I?”

 

Alex paused for only a second before he nodded.

 

Kara trailed just the tips of her fingers at first, then the second time ran more of her whole hand over his new cut. “I really, seriously, love it.”

 

“ _Really_?” Alex asked again, still seeming uncertain. “You’re honestly not just saying that. I want the truth. You don’t have to like it. It’s okay to miss my old hair.”

 

“No,” Kara shook her head, still running her hand through the locks one more time before she dropped her arm down on the shoulder closest to her. “I mean, yeah, I guess I do a little bit. I loved your hair before...but I love it now? This just seems...more you. It fits. You look…” Kara paused, biting her lip hard, still nervous to say what she was thinking. “You look really good.”

 

Alex ran his teeth over his bottom lip, and Kara could hear him unconsciously squeezing his fingers in and out of fists. “Kara.”

 

Kara took a shaky breath in, knowing what was coming but still not daring to believe it might happen. “Yeah?”

 

“Can I…” Alex’s breath was coming in short, little, barely there breaths. “I just, I know I said what I said at dinner, and somehow we managed to still not talk about it. And I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page, but maybe we’re not? But are we? Because...I really...want to do something.”

 

Kara blinked, trying to comprehend what Alex was saying while still being in a fog. Oh. Right. Alex didn’t always know what she was thinking. Sometimes, communicating out loud really was the best way to go.

 

“Yeah, Alex,” Kara nodded, barely daring to blink as she watched him. “You’re sort of my whole everything, too.”

 

Alex’s eyes didn’t leave her face, other than to glance down at her lips.  As he exhaled shakily, he managed to reply, “Yeah. Okay.”

 

When he reached out for her, leaning closer while pulling her towards him at the same time, Kara felt all the tension she’d been holding in her body leave her at the once, right before their lips touched for the first time.

 

It was awkward, for a moment - she was kissing someone she’d watched eat and drink and laugh and cry and kiss other people for so many years, and suddenly those lips were on hers.

 

At the same time, it was like something she didn’t know had been missing was miraculously in place. It felt like her whole body was humming, like her chest was on fire, like she could breath but didn’t want to. She wanted to pull him closer, feel more of him as their mouths moved against one another, warm and wet and smooth.

 

The second her tongue touched his, she tried not to gasp, but couldn’t stop it from happening anyway.

 

Alex jerked back, still holding her arms tightly but pulling his mouth away.

 

“What, what did I do?” Kara pulled back, taking one hand and holding it against her mouth anxiously. She knew what she’d done, she’d gone too fast, she hadn’t meant to, oh god -

 

“No, nothing, you didn’t,” Alex was trying to catch his breath, running a hand through his hair. He’d let go of her arms now, one hand against the steering wheel and the other aimlessly jumping around. He seemed to sense Kara’s disbelief and turned quickly back to her. “No! You really didn’t. I mean, you did... But I liked it...a lot.”

 

“You...you did?” Kara felt her knees clench together, all of the warm feelings starting to come back. Then why…

 

“I just,” Alex murmured, reaching back over to hold Kara’s hand in his. “I want to talk..first. Just a little bit more than we have, maybe. Is that...is that okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Kara nodded, feeling her body cool back down...just a little. Enough for her to focus. Remember that not only was all of this new for them, it was doubly new for Alex. “Of course. I just, I really want to kiss you, again.”

 

It was the first time one of them had said something, really, out loud about the physical nature of their new relationship, and first Kara, then Alex, giggled nervously at it.

 

“I….same,” Alex nodded, finally putting the key in the ignition and then laughing slightly again.

 

“It’s okay, you know,” Kara found herself saying after she’d stopped giggling too. “That we’re nervous, or uncomfortable about this a little. You know? I mean, we’re totally redefining all of this, us. Even if it’s what we want. It’s okay.”

 

“Yeah,” Alex said softly as he turned onto the slightly more darkened street to get them home. “You’re right. Thanks, Kara.”

 

Kara hummed quietly, smiling and then looking out the window. She pushed the button to open it, putting it down enough that she could feel the breeze on her face as the car picked up speed. It felt like coming home.

 

* * *

 

Alex literally felt like he was losing his mind.

 

 _Is this real? Did this just happen?_ Repeated over and over as he drove them back to his apartment. He barely remembered the drive once they got there, but didn’t have long to think about it anyway. Before he knew it, Kara was hopping out of the car and sweeping his door open. She drew an arm out to the side in a grand gesture as she did so with an almost mocking grin on her face - just soft enough to tell him that she didn’t really mean it, and _just_ annoying enough to show that no, things were not just about to completely change. She would always, in some ways, be the pain in the butt she’d always been to him, and Alex felt himself settling just a little at the normalcy of it all.

 

He jumped out of the car, faked kicking her in the shin (despite the fact that it had never, and would never actually hurt should he dare to do it) before sweeping her into a hug that took her off her feet with a squeal.

 

“I love you so much,” he choked out, half at the force of flinging himself into a wall of Kryptonian, and half at the rush of emotions that had suddenly descended on him.

 

Kara released a breath with a sigh that he swore he felt in his bones before she replied, “I love you so much too.”

 

It wasn’t until after she’d said it back that Alex realized he couldn’t remember the last time they’d said I love you to each other. He hadn’t been doing it on purpose, at least consciously - maybe his subconscious had other ideas.

 

“Come on, you,” he set her down and let her go enough to shut the door, but wrapped an arm back around her side as soon as he could.

* * *

 

Alex came down from his nervous excitement as his apartment door came into sight.

 

The lights in the hallway made him blink, look down at Kara’s hand in his, catch sight of his slacks and men's shoes.

 

Abruptly, even after all of the conversations from the past few weeks, this felt like it was going to be the hardest conversation he’d ever had. Everything felt like it was culminating in this one moment - his gender, his sexuality, how and who he loved.

 

It took everything he had in him to press the door open with a shaking hand and lead the way inside.

 

“Alex,” Kara said quietly, taking a hold of the hand that was uncontrollably quivering all of a sudden. “Are you okay?”

 

He didn’t know how to respond, let alone what he wanted say. He gently pulled away from Kara’s hand, closing in on himself and leaning into the wall next to the kitchen.

 

“Alex?”

 

“I...I’m sorry,” he tried to shake himself out of it, clutching his hands into fists and then back open, again and again. “It’s been such a great night and now I’m just, I don’t even know exactly.” He felt all of the hopeless, lost feelings that he’d just barely been holding off for the past few weeks come rushing in out of nowhere.

 

He didn’t deserve this, this wonderful person he wasn’t even supposed to want or love, having her love him back.

 

“Alex, come here,” Kara broke through the fog settling in, her words firm, almost angry but not quite. Just enough to make him bring his eyes to hers, to move his feet, to try not to hate himself as he caught sight of himself again as he looked down.

 

What a fake, in an outfit that didn’t even fit him right, that wasn’t meant for him. He was just a girl, dressed in men’s clothes like a fucking idiot.

 

What was happening?

 

“Alex!” Kara called again, more gently this time. Waiting for him.

 

He looked up at her with tears in his eyes. “Kara, I don’t, I don’t know what’s happening. I just...what am I even doing?”

 

Kara held his gaze, eyes wide and present. “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean...look at me!” he desperately pulled at the front of his shirt, un-tucking it a little with the sharp movement. “I look so stupid!”

 

“No, you don’t,” Kara said, firm again. She reached out and tightly grasped the hand closest to her, letting his other continue to twitch anxiously against his leg. “Where is this coming from?”

 

“I don’t know, everywhere!” Alex shot back, yanking his hand away and standing up. The chest binder he hadn’t told anyone he’d bought, most certainly not Kara, was unimaginably tight all of a sudden. “I can’t...It’s too much. This. Everything.”

 

Alex hadn’t had a panic attack in his life, but there was certainly a first time for everything.

 

He sidestepped the couch just barely, still knocking into it as he strode quickly away to get to his bedroom. The buttons on his shirt were yanked at unceremoniously, the bottom tails coming out of his pants and belt. He hadn’t shut the door, just hoping that Kara wouldn’t follow him.

 

At the same time, a little distant part of him hoped that she would.

 

A tiny breath that sounded like it caught in Kara’s throat made him spin around, arms jerking the shirt he had finally taken off back up over his chest.

 

“Don’t look at me!” Alex yelled, angry but terrified, exposed but wanting desperately for Kara to just _see him_.

 

Kara didn’t turn away, didn’t leave but kept her eyes on his face, refusing to look away but not looking anywhere else but his eyes.

 

“Alex, please,” she called across the space between them. “Can I...can I please? Just come in?”

 

There was a salt taste at the corner of his mouth and with a start, he realized he was crying.

 

“Alex, please,” Kara repeated again, face steady but eyes starting to crumble at the edges.

 

“Yes,” Alex whispered, and then she was there.

 

“Can I hold you?” she asked, and at the very instant he started to nod, her arms were there, too.

 

He squeezed his eyes tightly against her skin, arms still held close to himself. He could feel Kara’s hands rest on the back of the mid-length binder - it fell halfway down his back, so he could feel her hands on both skin and on fabric.

 

She wasn’t running, she was only squeezing him more tightly, as if sensing what he was thinking.

 

Kara was still here.

 

“I love you, Alex,” Kara murmured into hair. He could feel the difference in it being shorter - when he moved slightly he could feel his scalp tickle from where his hair pressed against Kara’s cheek.

 

“Promise?” he asked softly, refusing to look up. The shirt and the binder didn’t feel like it mattered as much, now. He let his arms start to fall.

 

“I _promise_ ,” Kara firmly spoke the words, and finally Alex could breath again. He sank into the embrace and let his arms snake around to her back where they were itching to be.

 

After several moments he released her and stepped back, willing himself not to put his arms back up over himself. Kara’s eyes danced around as if they were nervous to fall anywhere for too long.

 

“What do...what do you think,” he finally asked, drawing her eyes first to his face for confirmation that it was okay, then down to his chest.

 

“I think…” Kara trailed off and Alex started to panic again. “How does it make you feel?”

 

Alex paused, not having really thought about the question. It had been less for him and more for how he appeared outwardly, to others. When he had finally convinced himself to buy it, it was about other people not seeing certain things. It wasn't about how he felt, but how they did. How did it make him feel?

 

Once Alex was mostly able to stop thinking about what Kara thought, he stood up a little straighter.

 

It made him feel confident. That whole night, he’d felt more comfortable standing up straight than he had in a long time.

 

“I think...it makes me feel better?” he said it as question, but then after a minute he nodded. A small smile was starting to nudge its way onto Kara’s lips. “It makes me feel good.”

 

The smile broke free, not quite at Kara’s normal level of bubbly but getting there. Alex could see something else there, too, but he wasn’t sure what it is.

 

“Do you...like it, though?” he asked again, and this time he could definitely see something happening. Kara’s cheeks turned pink ever so slightly as she raised her eyebrows.

 

“Um, yeah, I do,” she said, her mouth twisting as though she was trying to keep herself from saying too much.

 

“But…” Alex pressed.

 

“But nothing,” Kara rushed out, shaking her head aggressively. “I...nothing.”

 

“Kara,” he raised an eyebrow at her.

 

“I just...didn’t know if it was okay to say, that you look...I think you look really hot,” Kara mumbled the last part, somehow tripping over her feet even though she was essentially standing still - other than the nervous shifting from foot to foot she’d been doing.

 

Alex burst out with an embarrassed, but very pleased laugh. “Oh my GOD.”

 

“Was that okay to say?” Kara had righted herself and was ringing her hands, face now beet red. “I didn’t know! But it’s true! But I...I’ll stop I’m sorry, I just -”

 

“Kara,” Alex was now much more self conscious about the fact that he was shirtless, although simultaneously filled with more confidence. “It’s okay. Yes, it’s okay to say.” He walked towards her, pulling at her hips until they were flush with each other. “More than okay.”

 

When he tilted his head slightly to press his lips to hers, he felt her puff a tiny sigh of relief against his mouth before she kissed him back.

 

They weren’t in the car, anymore. There was nothing holding them back.

 

Alex wasn’t sure why he was surprised at Kara’s enthusiasm, given that her entire being was constantly infused with excitement most of the time, but he certainly wasn’t expecting the whine that bubbled out of her or the way she clutched his hips against hers. He felt himself start to topple backwards, but Kara held fast.

 

When the hand that had been against his face seemed to unconsciously slide down to his chest he gasped, and Kara jerked her hand and then mouth away from his. He groaned at the loss of contact.

 

“I...I’m sorry, I should’ve asked,” Kara was breathless, her face still inches from his. He could see her chest rising and falling heavily. He wanted her body back on his.

 

“You’re okay,” Alex reassured her, his breath coming out harder and his voice lower than he expected. “I’ll tell you, if anything isn’t okay. Okay?”

 

Kara nodded quickly, and then her lips were catching his.

 

His back was against the mattress before he could even comprehend what was happening. Alex couldn’t help himself, pulling his mouth away from Kara’s to say, “I meant in relation to my body, NOT using your super powers.”

 

Kara grunted something that sounded a lot like, “fuck you,” which quickly made Alex forget any more teasing that had been on the tip of his tongue.

 

A leg slipped between his and he groaned again, arms sliding down hers and tugging helplessly at her dress. “Why am I the only one half naked?”

 

In a flash that he again couldn’t process, Kara was suddenly down to just her bra and underwear. Alex blinked, mouth half open. “Oh.”

 

Kara had been back against him in a second, but now she pulled away, more obviously nervous about herself for the first time since they’d gotten back to his apartment. She fidgeted with the glasses she was still wearing before realizing she didn’t need them on right now and pulling them off. She fell to the side of him, curling her knees up a bit so they fit on the bed next to him. “I was wearing a dress, I couldn’t get only half naked…”

 

Alex ran a hand across her waist and Kara’s breath hitched, throwing him back to his daydreams from long ago. Kara’s hand on his chest, the look on her face before he kissed her.

 

Never had he imagined it might actually happen.

 

He let himself roll into her, turning her to lay back against the mattress this time as his chest pressed to hers and their legs fell together.

 

“This is _totally_ okay, as an alternative,” he grinned, and at Kara’s shy and happy grin back he dropped his head and kissed her, tongue sliding against hers again.

 

Kara gasped and grabbed him from behind the head, pulling him tighter against her as she whimpered into the kiss. He could feel her thighs squeezing the leg he’d pressed against her between them, and when he rolled his leg against her for the first time and she honest to Rao pulled her head away to moan, Alex remembered how far this was from talking.

 

“I…shit,” Alex gasped out as Kara reached around to grab his ass and pull him back against her again. Focus, Alex. You both need to talk. You have plenty of time for...all this, oh god, oh my god what even were words. “Kara, we...should actually talk, please.”

 

Kara blinked, finally letting go of him and falling back against the mattress. “Yes. I agree. Obviously.”

 

Alex smirked, unable to resist reaching around and squeezing her butt once before hopping up at her indignant squeak. “Come on, Supergirl.”

 

Kara, seeming to realize she was mostly unclothed, super sped over and threw on sweats and a flannel shirt that she left undone as she walked towards the door. Alex, who had been pulling off his nice pants to also replace them with sweatpants, raised an eyebrow at her. “You expect me to focus, with you...wearing that?”

 

Kara huffed, starting to button the shirt off before stalking out of the room. “Hurry up, or I may just fall asleep...it’s been _such_ a long day.”

 

Alex let out a squeak and was more than glad that Kara was out of the room to not see him fall against the bed after missing a leg hole in his pants. “I’m coming!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry....I totally intended to have them talk but then they got impatient and wanted to mess around, I couldn't stop them I'M SORRY (not sorry)


End file.
